I have worked on obsessional tendencies extensively with my last T and this was also the area where I felt the therapy had been the most effective. There was one method especially that worked out great, something that was not meant to be a method in the beginning on his end but it evolved into it and we co-created it. I had a long-standing habit of obsessive online interactions with people one-on-one that I used as a distraction and escape from dealing with other things - much like an addiction. Same for information hunting and spending an insane amount of time on the internet looking up whatever, including people. I think I might have made a career as a detective with these inspirations and abilities, but unfortunately that's not what I do for living, and the obsessions affected pretty much every area of my life. One of the ways it manifested was excessive emails with select people, typically one at a time. Of course it also became part of my therapy experiences and I actually wanted it to be part and did not suppress it because I wanted to resolve the problem and have my Ts help me. My first T turned out totally incompetent with this and got entangled in many ways, also misinterpreted it grossly, not like I expected a T and much like other people earlier in my life.

Had much better luck with the second T and one key element to the success was that he engaged only sparingly and in a minimalistic, very professional way in the email interactions (while actually encouraging that I emailed). He refrained from getting affected and pulled into it, he did not gratify my wishes. Of course it was frustrating to me initially and for a good while - until I recognized a potential in it. So we developed a style where I emailed as much as I wanted and about whatever, but he would not engage and reinforce it. Gradually, over time, my desire to do all this lessened and eventually got pretty much lost because there was no one feeding it. It was such a great relief for me and liberated a lot of time and energy since I no longer have the desire to do it with others either - after so many years with the habit and pulling many people into it, causing a lot of turbulence in their lives as well as I really had little inhibition. Of course, as I said, often it was very uncomfortable that he would not provide what I wanted... but he provided just what I needed!

When I read these threads from you, rainbow, they often remind me of the above part of my own story. I think that your T is doing the best service to you with not revealing the bf's identity and encouraging you to drop it. Maybe try to play an imaginary tape forward and imagine what could be if she told you. Surely you would feel a moment of gratification, but more than likely, it would bring further curiosities, perhaps frustrations, jealousy, whatnot. And then you might want to know something else about her and do another cycle of the same thing.

Some thoughts I had on the background to all this that you shared in these threads, that you have these curiosities and urges because historically people did not give you information that you desired. But maybe think about what you desire? The example of wanting to know who T's bf is may be a good example. It is without doubt her private life and personal info and while it is indeed good therapeutic material, the fact is that you are pushing her to talk about something that in inappropriate in the context of therapy. Other people might feel similarly (intruded upon) when pushed for private information like that... even friends and family members, and probably rightly so. I mean, love life of adults is indeed private matter. Maybe some people in your history were overly and excessively secretive but I personally would have hard time imagining how this could be compensated for in the present with getting this information from your T? Perhaps learning to be satisfied in a relationship with reasonable boundaries that are appropriate to the actual relationship is a more constructive process? It's been for me at least but I did not know it until I was at a point when I accepted it and felt the liberation from dropping the desire.

I hope you don't take this post as criticism, I mostly just wanted to share my experience and thoughts, may or may not be relevant.