(Veda typing this) I think he is still living here. From what I understand he will be moving out on Wednesday... what Wednesday is beyond me though. I thought it might have been yesterday, but the bits of stuff on the floor outside his door tell me otherwise... the upstairs hall floor got cleaned yesterday after the access panel and bookcase were put back int their places so yeah... floor was clean for a moment in time anyhow.

I find this whole ordeal disturbing. Maybe hurtful or insulting would be better words. Fact is, several of us have some major issues with things being clean/cleaning. It strikes a chord with childhood issues... the mother had some OCD issues and toss a little drug fueled crazy into the mix and yeah... when some of us see things like garbage outside a door that internal screaming starts up and it's downhill from there. This has been discussed with not only the step son, but the spouse and the blatant lack of give a damn about what we need to not be something that resembles functional...

The last few months have been hard enough with the lack of food, multiple deaths in the family, the holidays... and not only is it a problem with the messes, but it makes me (personally) question the validity of my own thoughts... I wonder if it is perhaps really not him who is (for example) taking all of my cups and some other version of me that I am completely unaware of, because when I ask him to bring me back my things he says he will and four days later one or two cups might reappear, but not all of them. So I start to think I am the jerk here. Then his father demands his cups back and they show up that day... the whole few days in between I am making myself crazy thinking I am being a paranoid, out of line a**hat. So I go and repeat how I am the kind of person who cannot function in that kind of not knowing and need him to just not hoard household belongings upstairs because it makes me question my grip on reality. He says okay and the same thing repeats over and over again.

The whole disregard of what I/several of us need in order to be something that resembles okay drops me in a headspace that just makes the internal childhood/mom screaming more intense and disturbing. That self hating mantra of 'what i want, what i think, what i need does not matter. i do not matter. stop thinking of you you selfish blah blah blah' it goes on perma repeat and renders me ineffective.

I have been telling the spouse for months this cannot continue with the step son as it has been. I have been telling the step son for months that this cannot go on. I have been ignored the whole time. While I am not exactly pleased by how this all finally exploded... I am pleased that something was finally said. I have not been calm or stable enough to have another conversation about any of this for awhile now, so I guess this is a good thing? Just kinda bothered that it had to come to this in the first place.