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Jan 05, 2017, 11:38 AM
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Member Since: Feb 2012
Location: From Egypt, journeying in America
Posts: 244
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Oh God (not that I really believe in God much anymore)... I don't know what to do...
My life has plunged into a level of darkness that I can hardly bear, & I'm thinking about suicide...
I have to tell my whole life story so anyone can understand... but I have to try try try to make it abbreviated, 'cause who's gonna read my life story anyway 
I need to get out of this graveyard of Egypt that I'm buried alive in  The prices are skyrocketing after the failure of our revolutionary attempt, that in order to survive I have to get any administrative job in any NGO or international organization or bank. But if I do this, I'll be giving away my life's purpose, my dream, myself... My dream is to change the world, to do research with orphan children in violent conflict conditions, like in Iraq & Syria, while they explore the Universe Evolution Story, without any cultural-religious direction...
I'm realizing that the only way I can do this, is to get outside of Egypt, to hook up on any academic/research that would provide me the time & money (to go to Iraq & Syria) to do this research...
But I have to pass a TOEFL test, with a minimum score of 100/120. My English is very fluent, but the problem is the exam format that pressures you with the limited-time-ticking to answer a huge bunch of MC questions after reading long paragraphs. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder & Generalized Anxiety Disorder makes it so hard for me to deal with such kind of tests, & the realization that this my only ticket to run away from this place & pursue my purpose, makes my anxiety skyrocket toward this exam... That yesterday, I had perhaps, my first panic attack when I woke up at 3 a.m. in the morning, feeling that because of my OCD & GAD, I will be buried in this Egyptian graveyard forever... without getting any chance to be alive, not to even mention doing my research to change the world
What exacerbated my panic attack, is that I became I totally lonely person, no family, no friends, no nothing, nothing... My family has abandoned me because of my obsessions, my sister Lina & some of my friends here have abandoned me because I left my religion Islam, & turned into something between nihilism & taoism (according to my Bipolar mood!). I have no chance at getting loved by a man here, because I was sexually abused, & religious-cultural-social traditions here, would require me to accept a man who would put "his shoes over my head", as one sheikh told me!!!
I'm PANICKING!!! I'll never get the chance to get outta here, to live, to do something, to change the world, 'cause of that stupid TOEFL exam & my OCD!!!
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You can make the willing able but not the able willing...
Check my consciousness: toward the Cosmic Purpose
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