Dear OrangyRed,

I think you should tell your mom's husband, that the relationship between your mom and you is your business and not his. It's between you and your mom, and he is being a "third wheel"

Intimacy between 2 people, when it involves parent and child, is something parents teach their children. Growing up, if your mom did not tell you that she loves you, in your childhood....you'd find it tough to communicate the same to her now. Our parents teach us the language of love.

Being ignored in childhood by your parent is painful too! Life is not about comparing pain...but learning to bear and heal from your own pain. Your mom may not be a "monster" that psychology books paint, but she did ignore you. Single parenthood is not an excuse, since even parents who live in another state, make their presence felt, if they truly want to. It's not about quantity of time spent together, but the quality of time.

It doesn't make your mom a bad person. She may have ignored you, because your grandmother may have ignored her. It's the "chain of neglect". She connected to you the only way she knew.

As a child, you want to see who you are in your parents eyes. Yes, sometimes parents are too tired from work and chores, cranky from having a bad day, depressed about situation they are in...which makes it difficult to paying attention to their child. But when it becomes a pattern, the child gets the wrong message about themselves.

It's my firm belief that when you are emotionally satisfied yourself, you can be emotionally available to take care of others. Our own mental health issues or poor parenting stops us from being emotionally healthy, which affects our relationships.

So if you are not ready to tell your mother that you love her, there is no need to feel guilty for it. When we admit the 'bitterest' truth to ourselves, that's when we move in a direction emotionally. You now know that your relationship with your mom is not the best and that means, it needs work. Heal yourself...then try to understand your mom...then maybe you can help your mom realize that she needs to heal too (try....good if it works, or you may sadly have to move on).

I really recommend you read the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. You can read her blog here - Childhood Emotional Neglect