I find myself really struggling lately. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Even my counselor seems out of touch. My husband is chastising me for being down. My boss is noticing my absences. My animals are oddly clingy which I appreciate but I know is a sign I am exuding this pain. It's constant. It's nearly unbearable. But, ironically it is me. It is familiar.

And it doesn't bother me like it used to. What bothers me is how everyone is telling me to be "me". It feels insulting. This is me. This is a part of me. This is the sickness. Not the health. And pointing out to someone who is feeling this way that they're abnormal or depressed is like telling another person "Hey you're being a human today" or "hey I noticed you're breathing today".

My family and friends don't understand this. They keep telling me I'm giving up. That I could see yet another doctor. That I could try another pill. That I need to be happy. And it's like-- enough.

Sure I feel lousy. Sure I am down. Sure I am depressed. But I'm still living. I pay my bills. I do my work. I am meeting my responsibilities. So what if I am sad? It's like-- I am okay with who I am. I have accepted this cycle. I know it will get better eventually. Ive experienced it enough. I know my self care strategies. I have my plan. So why does everyone keep accusing me of not doing enough.

It's like-- do they even know? I've seen dozens of doctors. I've taken so many different pills. I've tried multiple types of therapies. In fact I have a degree and certification in this field. I know all this--- i just choose not to fight it. Fighting it and trying to silence this only made me worse. I only attempted self harm on pills. I felt even worse talking about it.

I am okay with who I am. I am sensitive right now. I am prone to crying. But never in public. Always at home. No one even knows - although many suspect.

My husband really hurts my feelings telling me to get help. I have. This is what help looks like. This is stable me. This is controlled me. But it is also depressed me. You can't take that away. It is who I am. It is who I will always be.

So Enough. I'm tired of being told who I am. I am Sunlaien. I am human. And I am depressed. I hate the stigma. I hate the superiority. I hate being labeled abnormal. Quite honestly, if normal is not feeling or caring I don't want to be normal anyway.