So, I want to write a bit about a topic that recently bugs me.

First of all, some background:

I'm 22, a woman, coming from a dysfunctional, socially isolated family with some genetic disorders (autistic tendencies and purely physical illnesses). I was born with congenital hypothyroidism (treated with 12 years delay, then there were many misdiagnoses and it also gave me some undiagnosed neurodevelopmental issues) and congenital adrenal hyperplasia (which, generally means, I'm kind of a pseudohermaphrodite, with some secondary male characteristics, both physical and psychological, though it's not much seen to others apart from the fact that I may appear pretty harsh and rigid). I suffer from severe anxiety since I was a kid (which I can manage now) I have many autistic and ADHD traits, struggle with psychomotor skills and non verbal communication, and I'm also twice exceptional, which means I have an undiagnosed learning disorder that affected my educational career yet - despite failing school and finals - I was also the most talented student when it came to writing and general linguistic skills (for example, I won a place at a university in a national essay contest, but cannot enter uni because I failed basic subject such as Maths, things like that). I was the only person among my peer group who didn't manage to go to uni and it's extremely rare here nowadays. I'm not from US or UK by the way and English is not my first language, so forgive me for any mistakes. Anyway, I never received any help with these issues and the awareness of my situation came to me some time after I finished highschool and entered adulthood (thanks to my research skills).

I had a hard time with people. As I mentioned, nobody in my family was able to notice my struggle and I was mostly left alone with all of this. They never wanted to participate in therapies (which I demanded being 13 year old), never ever managed to look closely into the issues I was facing. I had to take care of myself. I don't want to make it too long, even though I remember so many situations and words, but generally, I was always the odd one out and was not accepted anywhere. I was terribly bullied in primary school, then in secondary school in other country, then in middle school and high school and away from it. Since being 7 until being 21 I received lots of both verbal and physical bullying.

Not only peers bullied me but my family also (but that mostly when I was younger, now I can defend myself). I was ostracized by my family members for my unusual body language, not wanting to interact with other kids in the family, not wanting to share, even for little things such as lack of eye contact or speaking too loud. When I was a teenager I had some behavioural issues and even my father once came at me with a fist (men attacked me twice). On the other hand, peers were mostly about me being cold or too emotional, the way I looked while my illness was still untreated (now I look good, but when I wasn't people would say they wouldn't touch me with a stick and how ugly I was), the way I walked ("like a robot"), spoke etc. I try to make it really short but it's a long story in fact, I remember so many words being said. Generally speaking, I irritate and provoke people with my presence. I know it's about my body language and my voice and the way I speak (I use strong words and can be very critical even though I try not to). I feel deeply traumatized with my experiences with other people and sad about how I come across to them. I communicate mostly by sharing information. I care deeply about verbal communcation and have a very wide knowledge of many, many things so it sometimes saves me.

I have never been in a relationship and only had some non significant, mild sexual experiences with gay men and women from the time me and my one and only group of friends were turning like 17 and had parties and tried different kinds of things (Now they all live away and mostly have their future husbands and girlfriends etc). Yeah, for a few years I managed to be inside a pretty popular group of people, but it's a different kind of story. If it didn't happen, I wouldn't have a slightest cue about my ways of social interaction.

In my life, I have a huge need to categorize everything and make it clear. Emotions and self image are a bit of an issue here, because I have a hard time "categorizing" myself and also my emotional intelligence is pretty poor. There are two things I find hard to regulate: my anger (but don't want to talk about it now) and love/desire.

As you may suspect, with my hormonal profile, I often have a huge need for intimacy and physical sensations, which I mostly internalize. I also lack attention from others but at the same time it's hard for me to connect. I am lonely and I feel misunderstood, because verbal communication is not enough.

I had a few crushes in my life and it's a nightmare, far worse than the anxiety and panic attacks and other things and this topic has recently came back to me in my new workplace.

I don't think I want a relationship, for sure I don't want to have kids (and can't have them I suppose) and family, because it's just not my thing. I think what I would want is a lover, someone of that kind. I don't believe I have the right resources for creating a relationship.

But, coming back to crushes: for me it's like stepping into a marsh. As I said, I had few of them (once on a girl when I was much younger, then on a few boys) and it was mostly someone that just gave me some attention and was an interesting person to talk to etc. And when you give me an inch, I'll take a mile, so I soon wanted more and more. I'll tell you just about one or two of them, it was from a time I did not know the concept of boundaries and the whole memory of it just disgusts me and makes me feel guilty because I acted like a pure creep.

One was a guy from my peer group who was a "to have his cake and eat it" kind of person with poor boundaries himself (he was intelligent, though). I wasn't the first one to have a crush on him, and it started soon after ppl started telling me we look good together and get along fine and there were some jokes about that. We were kissing during parties, I strongly believed he is interested in me because he was giving mixed signals. But it came to the point that I was obsessed with him and was trying to find an occassion to make up (like, when we were drunk) and was asking him very intrusive questions and it was really, really bad and creepy and it was a rollercoaster of feelings. Once I even slapped him in the face. I didn't realize back then that my view of the world differs from that of others. It end up with me telling him I like him and that I want him to say "no" to me because I'm tired of the whole thing. He didn't say "no" clearly, but after some time I just stopped talking to him, ignored him (even when he was near me) and it lasted for the whole year. After this year my mind got clearer, I started talking to him again and he started talking to me and since then we're normal acquaintances and we see ourselves like three times a year and there are no more problems because I know the situation now. I kind of forgave myself for that stupidity.

A year after that, and a year ago also, I developed another friend. Once again, an undecided boy who didn't know what he wanted. Everyone in my town knew him (generally, everyone knows everyone in my town) and he already was known as a person who tries to make out with everyone a bit, but then leaves. He was also intelligent (but not emotionally), we were talking a lot, but then my intuition started telling me the way it's gonna go. At one time, he tried kissing me and gave me some physical warm, then went to my long time friend who's gay and started doing the same with him, then left him cause he didn't know what he wants, then I made things clear, got angry and after a while just cut him off completely, wasn't much surprised because I already have seen a pattern.

The worst thing with crushes is at the beginning, because I totally hyperfocus over people (I hyperfocus in general) and constantly create images in my mind that idealize them and have not much to do with reality. Simply, I daydream. I obsess about these people. Imagine situations and conversations and it drives me for some time and then I grow tired of it and then ignore it. But at the beginning it always scares me and makes me look like a creep in my own eyes. I want it to stop as soon as possible.

Generally, I never agree when someone invites me for a date. I don't meet with men who want to meet with me. I don't trust people who are interested in me and I want to be in control of this. It's always my choice. I ignore guys who hit on me and I do it the way it hurts. Sometimes I don't know if they're serious or just make fun of me (but I know I'm kind of attractive now so it's often serious). I know the outcome of this and it's loneliness. It would be different only if that person was someone I know for a long time.

Few months ago, I started a new job. I do some very easy and mundane tasks. But I work among hundreds of people of many nationalities and there are constant interactions. When it comes to that, everyday is almost like re-opening my wounds. I didn't have some major problems with anyone, I have few people to talk to, I try to avoid conflicts and try my best to act the right way (even though I already had some meltdowns). There were only few people picking up on how weird I look when I hyperfocus on tasks, etc. One guy called me "groggy". Still, I'm constantly aware of how I come across to others (especially my issues with the tone of my voice) and it causes me discomfort. I often feel overwhelmed because of that. Usually, my mimic is pretty poor, I don't look people in the eye, however I try my best to kind of "play it" when I'm talking to someone I like, because I know people do care about such things and lack of it makes them feel ignored.

I was never aware of these things before and I'm not sure if it does me good, because I often feel like I'm closed in a cage because of it or like I'm damaged and there is nothing to change that. Often it makes me so anxious and panicky and my intrusive fears of going crazy come up. I'm a perfectionist and was taught to constantly correct myself, but this issue is not something I can do much about. I won't play constantly.

And yeah, after a year I developed another crush and this time it almost scares me, I won't go with the flow now. There is a guy working with me, five years older, he's Hungarian but we communicate with ease. I saw him straight away the first time I went to work and since then he constantly catches my eye which is extremely irritating because it makes me feel almost insane. I went through the crazy daydreaming phase, where I was literally head over heels with going to work and I don't believe I managed to hide it. It's like, usually, I try to ignore him most of the time, still we have to communicate because of the job and then I sound pretty unnatural and upset (not mentioning when he was trying to make a joke to me and I didn't get it). But, once or twice every few days, we sit down and talk and talk and talk about some particular topics (i can't do small talk, but when a real topic comes on, I'm all in) and even try to joke a little. And then I go to job again and become distant again, because I don't want to be too much. But the way I set these boundaries is a bit over exaggerated and unnatural. Despite my emotions, I want to not try too hard because anyway, it won't work. Yet, I started to compare guys like him to the previous ones and it's bad because I don't see a person now, just a set of characteristics that I don't like.

All in all, these kind of situations makes me very anxious and tense: the lack of communication skills, fear of being judged, laughed at, not regulating my emotions properly, getting involved too quickly, fearing I'm insane and a creep, not knowing how to behave naturally. I sometimes feel that, among people, I'm like a dog who was attacked by other dogs constantly: I act either submissive or aggressive.