I was thinking today... letting my mind wander (as I try not to do). But I realize once again that I'm tired of fighting this fight...
I have fought depression the vast majority of my adult life. sometimes it wins... I have be hospitalized no less than 5 times in the last 10 years.. but does it really change anything? no.... I still feel alone and empty. lost and screwed up. I don't really think I contribute anything of value to my family or the world around me. I just exist... I try to fight these thoughts, but it is difficult when people that used to call me "friend" seem now to avoid me because I'm not the happy laughing person that i used to pretend to be. I dont have the strength to pretend anymore.
My parents tell me that they love me, but the reality is that they need me... to take out their trash, carry in their groceries, listen to the same stories they tell me week after week. To my adult children, I am a joke. We joke about my trips to the hospital.... it is easier than thinking about the pain that causes those trips.... "silly mom, you just need to try harder... don't give up so easily".
There is nothing easy about this journey, feeling the dark thoughts swirling to the surface.... unable to give voice to them.. because... it's not real... just in my head... supposed to be stronger....
sorry for all the whining... if I was smart. I would just delete this post and go back to my evening of pretending.... it's all ok. right?!