I make a list of all the experiences that have some positive (anti-depressive, anti-anxiety) effect on me, whether large or small, and do the same for all the negative experiences. If I use this as a checklist (how many times in a day / week / year do i actually encounter these things?) I notice that the positives list has been slowly getting fewer and fewer checkmarks, and the negatives list is growing like a weed. So why am I depressed again? Oh, right, it's not my imagination after all. Well, duh!

I had to ask myself, why is this happening? This is becoming an ever-worsening process. I have a depressing, anxiety-inducing lifestyle. Why am I not doing anything about it!?

The answer seems to lie in the theory that we all have old fears from the past, inflexible life rules, and self-defeating behaviors ... a "neurotic complex" seems like a good name for it all. I've always though depression for me is a stress reaction indirectly caused by various old hangups that I'm having a hard time getting rid of. I prefer this way of looking at it to "it's some kind of biochemical glitch" because I've never been too impressed with what meds do for me, personally. Yes they can slightly alleviate that stress for a short time, but not very well, and that's about it. More is needed it seems.

I'm venting because right now to say "I hate my life, I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do anymore" is a brilliant understatement. No, I'm terrified, fed up, and the end of my rope, feeling a level of despair and confusion beyond anything I have ever felt so far, probably "in crisis", and I'm sick of this happening. 2017 has GOT to be the year I finally punch the devil in the face and tell it to get lost, finally!

I'm tired of being labeled "high functioning." Compared to the level of functioning I want to have, compared to the life I want to lead, I'm beyond floundering. I am NOT WELL. I am miserable, I am feeling nihilistic, I'm acting almost masochistically passive, and on the inside I scream every day. I have nightmares frequently. I feel defeated. I detest my life. I have had enough of watching myself just put up with the unacceptable, and do nothing but vent about it. Every day SUCKS. I don't know exactly how to fix this. I'm scared.

The worst thing is realizing you've been this way, more often than not, for years ... and that very little seems to help for very long. I can see more or less what would help, but I can't find the confidence or optimism to actually do it. I'm sick of unconsciously following my worst fears instead of my aspirations. Meds are not doing enough, when they even do anything useful at all. This is not a psychologically healthy way to live. This isn't life, this is enduring existing.