I just need to vent for a sec here. Long story short, my older bro is at rock bottom with addiction. I got sober while he kept on using. A few weeks ago his coworker had to give him CPR cuz he nodded out so hard. So last week I broke down and begged him to get help. We cried together and he said yes. But ever since then I've been doing all the research on the best places and making all the calls from clinics to insurance co. Obvious question: he's a grown man why can't he make the calls? Right? Because my whole family is codependent and I'm a "fixer". When I found I couldn't fix a man I went into healthcare so I could fix people. I loved it. But I got too bad in my MI that I couldn't hold a job. I catch myself trying to take care of everyone. When my friend says he's tired i demand him to rest. Why am I trying so hard to control everyone? Probably because throughout my whole life, control was something I didn't have. Well everyone from my T to my family is seeing how exhausted and depressed I've become about my brother that they've begged me to step back. Let him be a man for once. They even tried to get me to go to IP for severe depression. I got a med change yesterday but I know that no meds will fix this. This is purely situational and no med will help this. I feel like I'm just holding my breath until I can get my brother into a rehab and know he's safe. Then I'll allow myself to breath. But right now as I'm sitting home alone crying yet again, I'm really losing it. I don't know if I can go another day trying to please everyone around me to fill my own messed up voids. And since my brother is going to be away for awhile, my horribly abusive father who has the ability to royally screw up my day, is telling me how he's going to need all this help around the house. Yet my 20 year old sister is there. But he would never bother that princess. I don't think she's washed a dish In years. So maybe I'm starting to see that my trials to fix everyone is known by others and they're taking advantage? Or am I being paranoid? I tell myself I'll rest when my brother is ok. But then my dad who thinks I'm the scum of all scum for having a MI puts more on me. My psych nurse has told me to stay off fb and take care of myself before trying to fix everything that is really out of my control and quite frankly none of my business. And incase you didn't get my older thread, I ended up in the ER xmas night after being at my dads. That's how sick he can make me. [trigger] Sometimes I rather go back to my teens where he was choking me instead. Words just have a power to kill me and I obsess about it till I'm sick. In the last two days all I ate was a small protein shake. I don't know if I can go one more day like this. Hopefully this rehab has a bed tomorrow like they said and I can drop my bro off and come home and just lay in bed for once. With my phone off for the whole day. Why do I drive myself sick over stuff that is really out of my control? Believe me when I say I haven't felt a depression this dark in a hell of a looooong time. If ever. I'm not religious but dear god if you exist, freaking help.