I didn't understand what had happened to me for a long time. I always knew that something "not so right" transpired. I know how scared I was and I willingly pushed it back into the far corners of my mind. Honestly, I even "forgot" about it. The memories came at me in waves after something hit me that reminded me of said event(s). The dots never connected until I was already nineteen. Well after the first time I had sex; which admittedly brought it up behind a two way mirror in my head, but was quickly pushed aside. I think it was going to come back to bite me no matter what, I simply stalled the process. By the time I came into full realization, I was already spiraling downward into panic attack after panic attack. I kept seeing it, over and over again whether it'd be awake or asleep, I just kept seeing it. All I knew was that I was terrified. The school counselor called in another counselor who was more qualified to handle me, as I paced back and forth in her room crying and begging her to make it stop. Eventually, I wore myself out and fell asleep. To no avail, I had the images keep coming then, like a puzzle just being pieced together. When I awoke, the other counselor was there for me and took me into another room. After asking me questions, she explained what was happening to me and that I wasn't "crazy", like I was convinced I was. Hell, maybe I wanted to be, just so that it wouldn't be real. She told me, it was very likely I was suffering from post-traumatic stress.

I can tell you all this. I can type this, though this is pushing it ever so slightly. See, I can accept the PTSD diagnoses because there's no way I can deny it. Yet, I find myself incapable of breathing the words of what happened to me. I can accept the diagnoses but am barely coming to grips with what it's main origin is. The event(s) that made the diagnoses so. Hell, I can't even say the word.

I think I'm just reaching out here, for someone who gets it. I also want to add: Please, please don't ask questions about what the event(s) was or why I keep adding an "s" in parenthesis. If you reply just don't ask me to talk about it. I'm not ready for it.