Recently... the way I view my relationships with people has changed. i think its because of the depression. i tend to be either very clingy towards people, or tell myself they dont care about me. One example is this: I was talking to somebody online and she asked me whether I would be able to tell my aunt about how I was feelng. Until then, I had convinced myself that my aunt didnt care about me and wouldnt miss me if I died. But when I was asked about her, I remembered that a few weeks back she was worrying about me being away at university and wanted to know I was looking after myself properly. so that means she does care about me. im just confusing myself, im finding it hard to believe she loves me.

The same applies to my friend. My last depressive episode, I tried to break up our relationship, under the impression that if we had split up, she wouldnt be hurt so much when I died (skewed logic eh?) but she stuck through me whilst i was in hospital. but once again i cant believe she is my friend and once again i am doubting her love and friendship. she never contacts me after all, and when i get her to, it's just a short email or a text message. so i cant see why i am bothering with her.

but on the other hand i get clingy with people as well, especially now with my dad, and also with some people online. I want to feel loved and understood, but i dont. i feel like there is a distance between me and other people, a kind of glass window I suppose. but all the same being clingy also opens me up to feeling hurt by what people say, even if it is unintentional. sometimes i even feel hurt by kind things. i also feel vulnerable when im in classes at college as well, im afraid somebody like a lecturer or whatever will say something to me that will hurt. in fact, i just realized. im leaving myself vulnerable here as well.

well ok i will leave this post. after disputing with myself for five minutes whether or not i should post it. yes. anyway maybe i can get some different perspectives maybe