My first instinct is to tell you we are an accepting and supportive group. Opening up about such personal stuff is incredibly hard and I give you my pat on the back for having such courage.

You have made huge efforts to stride forward. Yes, sometimes it feels like we slip back a step for every two we take forward. It is a 'tough slog'.

I wish to comment on relationships, romantic ones in particular. It sounds like an eternity but I was 49 before I found myself in a healthy relationship. All that time I had been trying in earnest. Consequently, I looked for it and found it in the wrong places. I have been emotionally a wreck most of my life. I understand the bullying (I also have PTSD), the depression, the anxiety. Most of all, I understand the inability to fit in.

The biggest difference between the lonely person I once was and the person I am today is that I have instilled in myself some self-worth. Excellent therapy (CBT) is behind this. But, I also made an effort to stop trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be. A healthy relationship is what followed.

When it comes to this person you are interested in, BE YOURSELF! Please don't fall into the trap of trying to be the person you think they want

Observation is your best tool when it comes to learning social skills and behavior.

I want to point out you have an incredible gift for prose. In my opinion you have a mastery of the written word. I am wondering if we can put this gift to good use. Consider that person (yourself) who eludes you - those criteria you feel are positive in this imaginary individual. What of these criteria do you already possess? What can you attain? What of your own traits can you even celebrate. Is there any of this person within you? Now set your goals accordingly.