Hi all, I am a 15 year old girl living in Canada. I'll just start with some background info. On January 27 2016 (Almost a year ago), at the age of 14. I attempted suicide for the first time. I was admitted to the children's psychiatric unit for 2 weeks and got a diagnosis of depression and generalized anxiety disorder. The next couple months I was struggling. Attempted suicide couple more times (overdosing), and I Barely went to school at all. Failing everything since I never went. Then in May, 4 months after the last admission, I was admitted to the hospital again. I was put on a Form 3 (forced to be admitted for at least 3 weeks). My form was actually renewed again and I was in the hospital for a little over 6 weeks. This admission was absolute torture. Being put in restraints, fighting off security, running away from home every time I had a pass to go home. I even escaped the hospital once and I went to a drug store and stole some pills and overdosed. (I was found and taken back). During that time I was also having trouble with food, I even stopped eating and drinking for 4 days and my blood pressure and heart rate were suffering so they had to put me in restraints and I had to have an NG tube which was absolutely horrible. They were seriously considering putting me into the eating disorders unit for 2 years. But I hated NG tubes and having my bathroom locked so I couldn't purge. So I slowly started eating again. I got discharged and I got a new diagnosis along with the other 2, Borderline Personality Disorder. The next 2 months were absolute torture, my family didn't even know me anymore. All I could ever say was I hated them and hated living with them and that I would rather die than live with them. My counsellor just made everything worse and I would leave her sessions feeling worse than before I saw her. There also was another admission but it only lasted 3 hours because they didn't want me being violent and they didn't want me. Then, my counsellor had to leave and I got a new counsellor. My new counsellor, changed my life. She made me laugh, our sessions only consisted of laughter, even when talking about depressing topics. I was seeing her in an intensive program where I saw counsellors, psychiatrists, and had group therapy several times a week. That program lasted 12 weeks. I did actually have to be admitted in one point but that was only for 3 days because they still thought I'd be violent. Then, I started a new program. A day treatment program. So 5 days a week. I'm still doing it. It will last a whole year. It's actually a special school for people with mental illness. There are special education teachers, and counsellors in the classroom at all times. There only like 5 people per class and theres only 2 classes. We also have individual therapy with a psychologist 2 times a week. And we see the psychiatrist once a week. I have only done 2 weeks of the program so far. Anyways, that was a LOT of backround information. So for the past 3 months I've been feeling more down than I've ever been. I honestly barely leave the house. in fact I try not to and I have to beg my parents to let me stay home. The whole day I sit on the same couch until it's time for bed and then I go back upstairs.The only time I ever go out is for school. So the last 2 weeks have been Christmas break and since theres theres no school, I have spent every single day on the same couch. Too tired to do anything. I have no motivation to do anything. 3 months ago I was doing Taekwondo 4 times a week, Dance once a week, Volunteering with kids who have disabilities once a week, and I went out around 3 times a week. I got a job 3 weeks ago. I had 2 shifts, called in sick for my 3rd shift, they haven't called me since. Probably will be getting fired. I can't do anything. Time keeps going by, and school starts again in 2 days. I won't be able to do any work, and I might not even be able to have sessions with the doctors properly. I don't feel like talking, I feel like there's no point in anything. I have a suicide date which I have mentioned to my psychologist, but we just talked about why I want to die. My suicide date is Jan 27. The day I attempted suicide for the first time. The day I should have died. Honestly don't worry about the suicide part, I will be discussing it with professionals. It's just that I feel so horrible. I feel like it's the only way out. I really want to start enjoying things again. But I can't. I can't enjoy anything. I have been on a bunch of medications. I have been on Abilify, Zoloft, Olanzapine, but none of those worked except for Olanzapine. I had to stop taking it because it made me gain a massive amount of weight. Now I take Luvox and Trazodone for sleep. All Luvox does is help me with my thoughts. Not with depression, but it has helped with anxiety a bit but its still unbearable. I just don't know what to do.