I'm sorry if this isn't the right board to post to this to, but since it included phobias I thought it might fit. Also sorry for the long post, you can skip to the TL;DR.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this, so mostly I'm looking for tips if anyone feels it too, or knows someone who does. If this has a name which might help me look up things about it, I would be really grateful if you told me too!

I'm a 20 year old and I have a fear of deep emotional connection, or of having someone rely on me. This happens with romantic relationships - if someone shows interest in me, even if I like them back, I panic (my mind goes blank at the time, when I'm finally alone I end up crying and often being unable to even breath) and start to avoid them - but what worries me the most is that this happens in friendships too.

If I have one friend and we get along but don't share much, and especially if they are a bit casually rude or even mean at times, then everything is fine. If it's a larger group of friends (2 or 3 people) I can share more and be closer.

Honestly, the problem only arises when they say things like "you are the most important to me" or "you are my only real friend" or "you are the only one who really gets me" or anything else that... I don't know, makes the focus be on me and puts me sort of on a pedestal? If it's just normal compliments it's fine, I just brush them off, it just scares me if it feels like they are relying on me.

When that happens, it makes me feel bad and disgusted with myself. And then usually I grow distant and start to dislike them and avoid them, no matter how long our relationship had lasted.

The first time I remember this happening I was around 11 or 12, I think when I was a younger than that it didn't happen at all.

This happens even with family members. I am only close with one family member - my grandma. I have lived with her for many years, She is very kindhearted to everyone, but shows her love through helping people and never quite says it - she also has a quick temper and shouts a lot, even mean things. Only when she's stressed though, and because I have been with her for so long I just shout back. I know she cares about me and I know I care about her.

Recently, though, I did something to help her out - with some economy things - and she was very nice the whole next day. At a certain point she said something like "only you take care of me" and the same thing happened - I felt worthless and pressured, and even when she complained and nagged at me later I didn't calm down. For a bit just the sight of her started to irritate me and I didn't know how to stop it.

It troubled me because I do care about her - she is one of the most important if not the most important person to me - and want to help her, more than she knows. To get a job so she can feel safer later in life and all that.

I don't know how to explain this, but I want to be liked by people but not the most liked. Or even if I am, for them not to say it? I don't know, because I do end up feeling jealous when those important to me put me in second or third place - but I also feel really relieved.

But I want to stop this - I don't care much for the romantic aspect, but when it comes to my friends I really want to stop disliking them and breaking up friendships.