Hey couchies! Saw t this morning, it was a really good session (gosh I say that a lot). i walked her through my progression of feelings from shocked through numb over the comment she made last time (the "we're not equals" comment) and we talked about all of it, and how I thought that the whole progression kinda sorta resembled the stages of grief, but instead of it being a person that died, something else did,and I said that I hope it was my stupid fantasies re: our relationship, she said they're all normal, they're all a part of the process, then something about my having pulled back more projections or something. and she talked about how this is probably the most unique relationship i'll ever experience and i said well i hope so because it's so convoluted and she talked about transference and countertransference (the first time in 5+ years that she has ever spoken those words!)

and she talked some about what she has learned in her graduate and post-graduate studies about the therapeutic framework and about boundaries and keeping your boundaries and keeping it professional but still the work being so deep and personal and stuff and I've already forgotten some of what she said. But it was obvious that she really doesn't think that she is somehow "above" me even though that was initially how I perceived her comment and I told her that I knew that, eventually, it just took me a few days of being angry before I actually got to the point of realizing that she didn't mean it the way I felt it.

I talked a little bit about how well work went this week, even though I worked a lot of hours it was mostly exhilarating, the challenge of quickly learning the new client's rather complex plan and handling the calls and getting to the point yesterday where I said out loud "Dang, I sound like I know what I'm talking about!" haha because I am really starting to get it. She said she had half expected me to drag myself in there dressed in rags or something haha I was like no - something is just different this January from previous Januarys, and in a flash of inspiration I realized it is ME that is so different this year because of all the work I've done on myself. When I said that she got the hugest grin on her face and it was so adorable.

She told me that she loves working with me because I am so dedicated to my process - I said "Yeah, that kinda happened somewhere along the way didn't it" and she said (I thought she was going to cry) "Do you know what a gift that is?!" We talked about scheduling and I said I didn't want to and then I noticed it was time to go and I said a bad word under my breath haha and sighed and then said "I am just too damn attached to you and I need to break that" and she talked a little about that too and said that when it is time to "break it" I will know because it won't feel like such a big deal. Or something like that.

As we were walking to the door she said "great session" and I agreed. And so I wanted to share. I know there's another thread for stuff like this but I like staying on the couch. I am so torn. Because I am so dedicated to this work, I believe in it because I can see evidence all along of how much it helps me, but at the same time I want a break. And she had a few thoughts on that too. I'm thinking that even though I want a break I will probably change my mind and text her towards the end of the month asking to come. Oh yeah I did end up telling her the dream. She didn't have much to say about it because she wants me to work with it some more and I said yeah, I want to do an Active Imagination with it and see if I can hear the conversation that I couldn't hear because I was in the shower in the dream.

Ok I have spammed the couch enough.