Thanks Doh (I love that name!), Rainbowzz, bebop, Echoes, HP Jan...

I'm back at home after spending 5 days with my parents. I have to say that I was relieved to leave, but within seconds of feeling relief, I felt a ton of guilt because it's out of sight, out of mind (sort of) for me, but neither of my parents have that option. Part of me feels strongly that the right thing to do would be to quit my job and relocate there until it's ... um, over, but there would be so many negative ramifications to my life if I were to do so, and honestly, I don't think my dad is enjoying or appreciating my company anyway. It would really mostly be to support my stepmom.

I made two decisions on the flight home:
1) I'm not going to feel pressured to have the emotional breakthrough with my dad. He doesn't seem to want it and it's almost impossible to get any conversation out of him. I tried just sitting in the same room while he slept, and he told me to leave because he doesn't want someone hovering over him while he's sleeping. He even started pushing my brother away, and the two of them have been very close for the last 10 years. I could keep trying and trying and trying, but I think all that would happen is that he would die irritated at me and I would say goodbye to him feeling very rejected. So, I'm going to follow his cue and not anything more.
2) I'm not going to feel guilty because I'm not devastated by this. My brother is angry with me because I'm not crying and freaking out over my dad's illness. I'm upset, sure, but it's not tearing me apart, to be truthful. At first, I felt as though I should lie to my brother and make something up about how I just don't like showing it in front of others, but that's not really true. I'm sad for my dad because it's not how I'd wish anyone to die. I'm sad for my relationship with him, because this means we'll never have the chance to grow close. But he's 84, and while I love him as his daughter, I don't particularly like him very much. I've always felt uncomfortable in his company and he's never been the kind of supportive parent that I hoped for. So I have to be truthful - this isn't the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. Going through a divorce was far, far worse than the inevitable end of life of a parent that I'm not close to.

My dad called his handyman (who is my dad's only 'friend', even though their relationship has been purely a business one) over the weekend and asked him to come over to help with something in the house. It turns out he just talked to him for an hour, more than he has talked to any of us lately. The handyman said that my dad is very suspicious of my stepmom, brother and I because we're making him do things he doesn't want to do and we're not letting him be in charge. Interesting. And true - we've taken over his care because we are concerned about his safety and ability to take care of himself. He can't walk well, he is almost blind, pretty much deaf, and can't get himself out of the bathtub and often not out of a chair, either. If he fell in the hallway, I don't think he'd be able to get up on his own. So yes, it's true - we supervise him when and what he eats, and we watch him whenever he gets out of bed. He peed himself (and worse, unfortunately) several times in a single day and after the last time, we got him "special underwear", which he was furious about. But what were we supposed to do? He can't clean himself and the bed/couch/chair/rug/car himself, so how is it fair to let him just continue doing it? And the hospice thing - he sees that as the ultimate betrayal, but I feel that my stepmom deserves as much support as he is getting, and it's unfair to HER if we don't pursue assistance. So I don't know how to respond to my dad's concern - I have been trying to think of ways we can behave differently to respect his desire to maintain some dignity, but I honestly can't think of anything we could do differently. And many of the things he got mad at me about when I was there were because he misunderstood something I said. So I don't know what to do differently, although I'd be happy to try as long as it doesn't compromise his safety or my stepmom's sanity.

Sigh.

I'm supposed to go back next Monday but I'm thinking of going earlier, maybe Thursday or Friday depending upon how my stepmom is holding up.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and positive words, and as always, I appreciate your support.