It has been a few years since I last posted or visited this forum. A lot has happened in that time. I have been feeling better and coping better in those years but recently I feel like I have been sliding back. All I seem to be doing is just existing without purpose. I have started getting a bit anxious and certain types of thoughts have reared up again from my past abuse but this time I can see them much clearer than before. I have throughout my life always felt as an outsider and never fitted in anywhere. This is terrible for relationships as I feel unloved, unwanted and lonely. I don't belong anywhere. It is difficult for me to connect with other people or have any kind of bond. I am lonely all the time even though I could be surrounded by people simply by the fact I do not fit in, I am not a part of any group. I don't belong anywhere.

Now, after having said that, I am now going to contradict that to an extent because of the thoughts I have. This could possibly act as a trigger so be careful reading any further, I don't wish to upset anybody...



That is it in black and white. It's a rather cold view but then abuse in itself is cold. Those have been the underlying thoughts for practically my entire life. It's not that these thoughts are stronger than before but that I can identify them much clearer, before they were all muddled up especially with other feelings and emotions. It's like they have been uncovered. These are strong thoughts and it was difficult even just writing it and I don't know what to expect by doing this but I feel I have to get them out rather than let them eat at me. I'm feeling low at the moment and just don't want to slide any further back into a spiral.