I've been seeing my current therapist for over three years now and I don't have issues with him at all. More or less with the agency but that isn't the pressing issue, or if it is an issue.

He is really gentle but also pushes me, which is really great. He has a calming voice, soothing almost. I've told him this before because something happened I forget what, and he asked, and I was honest. I go weekly with a phone appointment as well. I am in therapy either 2 hours one week or an hour half the next.

I've had therapists in the past that said and did things that I knew weren't okay. Then I met my current therapist and he doesn't do those things. He doesn't talk about his life (rarely gives me examples from his life, but doesn't give details of his personal life), doesn't say anything weird or strange, like talking about himself or others, he focuses on me. I focus on me. I don't really care for his personal life, which I've bluntly told him one day when I was frustrated about something unrelated to him.

During the sessions when I am there, I am opening up more but sometimes I find it hard to talk, or that all I want to do is laugh at something so serious that a normal person who cry and sob over. Not that I think it's funny but that is the only way I can, express myself. So I sit there holding in all this stupid laughter when really it's not funny, but inside I need to explode in laughter. Uncontrollable laughter. I've done this one and then I started to cry and it was really uncomfortable.

Another thing is a few months back we did this exercise where it was this visualization, mindfulness thing where something terrible happened to me. I have all these connecting more like branches from PTSD and to name it all it will be long and I don't want to do that. I was taken into a dark room, I was not in his office nor the chair. I started to cry because I felt water dripped down my face and onto my clothes. Anyways, I was then in and out of black-ness and this black room to his office and hearing his voice come alive. His voice was loud but it wasn't, echoed for me. It took me forever, like the entire session to come back to reality. This is something I feared the most that I didn't want to happen, and it happened. I told him that.

While I am in sessions I feel myself go back to that place and I take all my energy out of myself to not go there as it's so dangerous I really can't be there in his office when it happens. It happens at home mostly when I am alone, so no one sees it. I am afraid of it.

Not to mention sometimes I think about him when I am home. Usually, it's processing things for next session or when we chat on the phone. I play it over and over in my head, weighing in on how things would go if I talk about X thing or Y thing. I over analyze things, like everything. That's one part of it the other is sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see each other in public. I live in a big city and basically, I live all the way at the other end of the city and I believe he is on the other side or something. I always make these stories up about it, very harmless, like, meeting and I act like I don't know him and I am casual shaking his hand with others. Then when I am alone he asks how I am doing or if I look upset he asks how I am feeling. It all reflects my therapeutic relationship with him. He is kind and gentle with me but pushes me (in a good way) and it reflects in those made up things.

I wonder and I am scared that one day he won't be there anymore. I am not ready to not be in therapy and I fear I will need at some point a new one. I've expressed with him and he said he isn't planning to go anywhere and if he was he would tell me. I always feel he will disappear and I would need to restart a very long relationship again, it took me forever to trust him and tell him things and there's serious things I have not even mentioned to him. I value him too much maybe?

I have attachment issues but I don't rely on him as much. Before I would send three emails a week, now it's maybe 3 a month or less. I function without him there. I just don't know what my problem is or issue. I know I had a **** family who treated me like crap and weren't there for me, then starting to be comfortable with that my therapist says things like, "you are brave," "I am honored you shared that with me." "I care about you." "You can get through this." "I see a lot of potential and our work is going to be tough but we can get through this together, you aren't alone" Those things he says to me. He is very validating, he validates me a lot during the session with all the hard crap I am telling him.

I don't know. I have a fear he will... be gone. It's like he plays the father I never had but I don't feel that, it just I wanted what my therapist shows, I wished my own father was like that. I have no idea if that makes sense.