It sounds like you're in a really dark place right now. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with these feelings.

You aren't alone though, I've felt many of those same things at one time or another. It's emotionally overwhelming. Especially when you think you're done with it but it comes back again.

It would be good if you could talk to a therapist or counselor to help you get through this. You deserve so much more than to be stuck in what your abuser/s taught you.