Hi dwr3,

I skimmed through your post, and I sensed it resembles my life very much, so I read it carefully again, and I think, with some difference in details here and there, as if you wrote exactly how I feel and what are the challenges I face everyday in my life. But I would change your last sentence to: I either be passive and ignored or aggressive.

I think I have ASD because I don't read the social cues (body language). I invade spaces I shouldn't invade. I say things I shouldn't say. I don't make eye contact. But I also cannot focus virtually on anything (unlike you as you said you can be hyper focus, at least on something), and not organized. I think these latter issues are attributed to ADHD. I also suffer from anxiety and later developed depression, which make all of this a compound problem to me.

The robot analogy is exactly how I see it. As if there is no essence to it. No emotions to my actions. Instructions to be followed at the intellectual level only.

The daydreaming is something I suffer from, too. I always imagine scenarios and situations, and engage in self-talking, sometimes for as long as 20 minutes and more, with all the possible reactions you can imagine, but mostly the outcome is anger and frustration.

Perfectionism is a problem with me, too. I want everything to be either perfect, or I don't want it. I want to be a great person, or no one. I cannot accept being mediocre or average. These white-black dichotomy dominates my life. I don'e see gray areas.

I'm also impulsive. Very quick to react, mostly in anger. Not a fan of small talks, too. I like intellectual discussions on topics I know about. But small talks ... no thank you. I'll pass, and this probably makes me seen as rude. But even with intellectual discussions, it seems that I cannot engage properly. All my focus will be on the topic, with little or no regard to others reactions and opinions.

I also feel trapped in my situation, and the only way out is acting, to put a mask and act. I don't believe I can change myself essentially. My mind just doesn't work as others do. I don't perceive the world as they do.

I cannot relate to men and make friends, let alone talking to women. Not as if I didn't try, but it was disastrous that I began to be very careful not to initiate a talk with any woman ever again.

Sorry, didn't mean to make it about myself, but I noticed you didn't have particular questions, and I thought to share how I relate to your story.

About the university, how does it work in your country? If you don't do well in math, and do well in literature and writing, why cannot you go that path and major in literature or something close?