@Lost_in_the_woods: I do prefer one-on-one conversations, but I don't know how to get there. Even then, I cannot connect with the other person at the personal level. It gives me a more comfortable environment, but doesn't change me essentially. I do think I have social anxiety (that's why I prefer smaller groups over larger groups) and (I later developed) depression, but I think there is an autistic element into it (that's why the issue remains even with small groups). In all my life I have had only one friend. This friendship is a reality because of him. I don't make the effort to maintain it. I think it all comes down to this: I have no genuine interest in others (or even in me through others, will explain this later) because I don't feel the urge to connect with them. As I said I don't have this impulse to socialize.

Here where saying it gets ugly. The social order/expectation you mentioned is something related to my issue actually. I cannot accept how things work socially, and this includes forming relationships. I view forming relationships as selfish acts. I think people are not actually interested in others, but rather interested in themselves through others. Some people for example like to brag how many friends they have, or whom they know to boost their social status. Others form connections to help them reach some goals, like help them in their profession, to get promotion ... etc. Even if there seems to be no clear advantage, it makes them feel better, because they need to socialize. They have this need to be fulfilled. Even in romantic relationships. I knew guys lied to girls that they needed to copy their notebooks just to talk to them, which seemed perfectly fine to both sides. There is always something people want in others that they cannot have alone. It's just how things seem to work, but I have difficult times accepting that (to use people as means), but it seems to work just fine with most people!! That's part of the reason why I don't feel I belong or fit.

Is it just me who feels that way? Am I in the wrong side of the universe?