Everyone has bad thoughts. It's how you react to those thoughts. Just don't react to them. Just let them be there without doing anything. The reason why you are going through this is because you are reacting to the thoughts. If you try to rationalize with something that is irrelevant and completely irrational then nothing good is going to come out of that. Just have courage to be yourself and be happy. Everyone fails and no one is perfect. Just get back up and don't give up on yourself. Don't try to defeat the thoughts or fight them because you're basically trying to defeat something that shouldn't even be there in the first place. Remember that the thoughts are completely irrelevant and irrational. Just focus on being in the moment entirely. Challenge yourself to have a clear mind for as long as possible. You can also ground your thoughts out completely by staring at a clock, watch, or an object that soothes you. The way this works is you just stare at an object and really think about every little detail about that object whether it's color, texture, shape, format, smell, etc... drink a glass of water, go outside and stare at the sky. Repeat process as many times as possible until you can clear your mind. Then challenge yourself to go as long as possible with a clear mind like you used to have before.

I hope this helps and if you need more help I'm always here.

Take care. You sound like a good, beautiful, healthy, and intelligent person to me. I think you'll be okay.

Also, the human mind has an incredible ability to heal itself and the body. I don't know if you knew that but it's true. You can always heal. You can always regenerate and I bet you show your family a lot of kindness and if you don't then you always can take action. Taking action is always better than sitting around ruminating. I'm not trying to say that you're lazy either I'm just trying to get you to realize that I can tell from your post that you're not a bad person. You don't sound like a bad person at all.