I relate to so much of this! Wish I had a more helpful response. I guess what I can say is I shared a lot of these vulnerable pieces to my T (appreciating her presence, her skill so much, getting pulled back further inside myself sometimes laughing as a defense, seeing where "the work" is yet scared to bring her into it, fear of becoming so strongly attached if we get any closer from said "work" because I know our relationship will end at some point) Ugh so hard to summarize just saying I resonate with some of those pieces. Anyway I had a really good session few days ago sharing all this. It was really scary, couldn't look at her all session but all in all it was powerful and beautiful to talk about the relationship/attachment for a session and how I see what needs to be worked on next but is scary. My T was really touched hearing how much I appreciate her, and felt honored being let in to my sacred inner landscape. Just going this far meta-processing was just what I needed. There is no pressure to actually talk details about the "Thing" ever. Even as a therapist who likes to push a little, she knows I'm already being challenged just going this far.

Again I know, different experience, don't mean to project...but I felt called to share in case this gives you option of how to move forward