I already had courses and private teachers, both at school and outside of it, but they just didn't manage to teach me anything apart from statistics and probability measures. Surely not geometry and other spatial-visual stuff. I battle Maths problems since primary school and I had to work on it a lot through my educational career, otherwise I wouldn't even finish high school (had issues with it, had to take an additional exam to prove I don't have to repeat the last year. Took me 3 months to learn like 12 different equations. Concerning the fact I barely can read the clock without putting a lot of effort and have issues with everything that requires not standardized actions, well, it was hard for me. I think it's something I will give up on because I'm just tired of it and I've tried enough (Never really gave up on anything like that before and if I do, then it means I just can't do it. I'm usually very motivated, the same situation took place with my drivers licence: I took 80 lessons instead of required 30 and instructors telling me I won't do it because they judged me as severe ADHD case, tried exams over and over again 12 times, finally passed: even though I decided not to drive after trying it in real life)

It makes me sad that my family has never done anything serious with my issues. I mean, they never got involved or engaged in it. My mother was just like "oh, I feel you, I too had problems, hope you'll manage, what can I say to you" and my father gave me money for the private teachers and told me to find some, but he thinks I have a weak mind and just didn't try enough and was overly anxious. But it was always like this, even when my issues got so severe in primary school I kept saying I want to kill myself and had terrible panic attacks because I felt I'm not as able as other kids. They literally did nothing, mother was only like "I had a terrible childhood and managed, you can too. Apart from that, you haven't seen any real problems yet". I had a speech disorder aged like 4 or 5 and was going to speech therapist, but only for like 4 times, then nobody felt I need it, I was complaining I didn't want to, and eventually they stopped taking me. Now I still struggle with performance skills and whenever I had written something good and teacher wanted me to read it aloud, I wasn't able to and my speech is pretty messy in general.

And now I see all these parents bragging about autism, learning deficits, sensory integration, taking their kids to therapies of all kinds, getting them loads of extra help and I kind of envy them (not completely, but sometimes).

Oh, that's so true.

I didn't post a question before, but now I may have one or two.

Two things that also bother me:

1. I fear men and feel a great discomfort around them, even the friendly ones. Men in my family were mostly angry and dominant, not acting with respect. I was shouted at constantly and put down for any mistake. One of my family members living in the same house was also physically dangerous. Also, since I've lost my weight and changed my style for more feminine, it happened that men started to be creepy and abusive towards me (including my driving instructor). Now, I have two creepy guys at work (and there were some situations also like bus driver and one of the bodyguards commenting heavily on my physical features and making some wrong suggestions) and they just make me so uncomfortable and panicky and I just need to deal with it as soon as possible. That leads to point two.

2. Boundaries. Is it possible for me to set appropriate boundaries, despite my anxiety and issues with not standardized, flexible behaviour? How to do it? I was never taught to have a right to boundaries and how to set them. My parents and other family members don't have it. My father doesn't care for consequences of his words and actions, my mother is extremely narcissistic and intrusive (just like her mother). When I was a kid, they were forcing me to share stuff I didn't want to share, to mess with my animals and my things and my everything, for example when my mother's brother came along with his son and wife. He was terribly brutal and insensitive with my pets, his son kept destroying my stuff and I was punished for reacting with anger to that. My mother made me borrow my bike and stuff like that to some strange kids I didn't know who just asked for it, she was telling me to kiss little boys because it was fun to her (I mean, it happened once and the boy actually bit me). Just some examples from childhood years. I never had my own room until I was 14. Even now, when I tell them that some men act inappropriately towards me, they just laugh it off.