Well, I am astonished at the depth of understanding I have gotten here. I mean PC is a good place to turn for support, but you guys hit it out of the park this time.

Divine, I feel for what you've gone through with your childhood friend. That's exactly what I'm talking about. But my friend has a smoother veneer. Still, amazing similarities. Last night my friend ended the phone conversation by saying it was making her feel "uncomfortable." That was only after she had done all she could to make me feel uncomfortable. But, yeah, in her mind, it was me who caused the awkwardness. Like my father, she is very intelligent and is very clever at head games.

Here's the context, and I'll try not to be tedious. My boyfriend is in failing health and needs a lot of help. He can't shower himself or make himself a piece of toast. I care for him. He does get a veteran's benefit that can be used for a variety of things, mainly hiring caregivers. I don't want any of the money paid to me. I have found him some other caregivers to help out, so I can go home to my own place once in a while. Mostly, though, I take care of him, which he likes . . . and I like to be with him. So the money accumulated, which the program doesn't like. The VA social worker advised us that the unspent money could be put into a pre-paid burial fund. So that's what I did this past week. I got info on that and the necessary paperwork. Everytime he has a health crisis, his family (adult kids) starts moaning and whining about the "final expenses." I told him, it would be a nice gift to his kids for him to make the necessary financial provisions. Plus, it would stop them hammering me about how they just don't know what to do when the time comes.

So I told my friend I had looked into that and gotten good info and would be helping my guy set that up. Well, she starts telling me "You're not the family and it's really not your place to be doing any of that." She was insisting on challenging me and I just tried to defend why I thought what I was doing was constructive and appropriate. (There's where I went wrong. Whenever you're on the defensive about something that you feel no need to defend, it's time to change the subject.) She was born to argue and loves to argue. After she criticized me on this subject every way she could (like - "why are you burying your boyfriend when he's not even gone yet?") and couldn't get me to acquiesce that I was doing something wrong, then she said that all this talk about death was making her uncomfortable. She's the one who kept on the subject by challenging me every way she could think of. She's very experienced in life and is more than capable of changing the subject when it suits her.

I'm sincerely trying to help my boyfriend in the most stand-up way I know how. She knows that. She was just arguing for the sake of arguing. Anyway . . . that was the context.

In the past, she has said things like, "I've had enough of dealing with sickness in my own family that I don't like to hear anything about what other people are dealing with, in terms of sickness of those they care about." That was one time when she called me after I had taken my boyfriend to the VA to be admitted. She said, "I am not comfortable hearing anyone talk about hospitals because I had my share of dealing with hospitals when my own family members went through their illnesses. It left me with hospitalitis, so I avoid that subject." After that, I wouldn't even mention my boyfriend, unless she asked.

She has figured out that I'm not going to stay in conversations that are just about her. So, now, she will ask about my guy once in a while because that's what my life is all about right now.

Anyway . . . I didn't mean to go on so much . . . . . . but that was the context.

What you relate, divine, is a little different, in the particulars, but I think it's basically the same dynamic, which I think has a lot to do with narcissism - a word I don't throw around lightly. I think your friend knows perfectly well that she is insulting you by saying teaching would be an unworthy career fir her daughter. These types think they can get away with insults because the insults are oblique. I think the new term, "micro-agression," applies here . . . though it doesn't feel so micro, when you're on the receiving end.

I am asking myself, "Who needs this?"

It's funny, starrysky, that you mention her being all kitten-eyed. It's like you've met her. She can come across as disarmingly sweet, like no one I've ever met. And, yes, I do get lonely and vulnerable. Being a caretaker to someone who is declining mentally, as well as physically, does get lonely. I think it does make me vulnerable.

And, yes, starry, my dad was complex, confusing and toxic. (It's like you met him. too.) Still, I loved him very much. I think I did get in the habit of tolerating a lot in a relationship.

But I can draw the line. Thank you, everyone.