Hi all - I joined this site 1.5 yrs ago, but it's been a while since I posted.

I’ll cut to the chase: I’m really at the barrel bottom right now.

I was diagnosed w/ Bipolar I w/ Depression in September 2016. This was after 6 years of an intense roller coaster life on all fronts: social, personal, and professional. I finished my MBA in 2010, and went through intense highs and lows. Textbook Bipolar behavior.

My wife and I separated for a little over a year. I was exhibiting what I didn’t realize at the time was textbook manic behavior: sleeping very little, rambling, irritability, grandiose thoughts, etc. She was at her wits end: she told me to leave the house, and I happily complied with her request.

We tried to reconcile a couple times, but my problem was that I’d (like most people in the throes of a manic episode) embraced a new religious faith. I regarded any questions or doubts she voiced about the conversion as an affront to my core being, and flew into a rage.

Things seemed to be going swimmingly: I rekindled many old friendships, began dating, and (thought) I was spending quality time with our three children on weekends. However, as with any divorce, things were very contentious with my wife. Nasty texts and emails, speaking almost entirely through high-priced lawyers, and allegations and general unpleasantness abounded.

Things at work went from horrible to catastrophic quickly. I worked at a giant, horrible bank, reporting to a giant, horrible boss who was promoted far beyond his ability. I managed to stick it out for a little over a year, and then got shown the door unceremoniously.

Roughly 15 months after we separated, I “hit the wall,” as many "bipolar bears” are wont to do. With no job, no place to live (my lease had expired shortly after I was laid off), and the relationship with my children on life support, I went back to my wife and asked for help. She told me what my friends and family had been trying to tell me all along: I very likely had a mental disorder and needed to get checked out ASAP.

My wife took me to the emergency room, where they admitted me to the inpatient psychiatric facility. After several years of misdiagnoses (ADHD, depression), the doctors took the more comprehensive history from my wife: she told them about my ups and downs, highs and lows, and they promptly deduced that this was Bipolar I depression.

So now I’m back at home, taking Lamictal and Lyrica to help stabilize me. Additionally, I undergo ECT treatments once a month for “maintenance." I’ve been unemployed for nearly 6 months, and have sharply curtailed my social activities.

Everyone around me keeps telling me how much “better” I sound and how “proud” they are of me for “focusing on my health.” I guess I can’t debate them, but the strongest feeling I have right now is boredom, mixed with frustration about how hard it is to find employment.

In large part I feel like Henry Hill at the end of Goodfellas:
“I’m an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.”