Please forgive me if I have placed this in the wrong section.

I am soul crushingly lonely. My flat is becoming my jail cell. I can't stand it. I can't stand opening the door to find no one there. No one would care if I came home at night (because they are not there).

I had two great women in my life and I blew it up. I miss them. They can't forgive me even though I didn't really know I was sick.

I am left having to try to start again. I went a companion but I'm so tired of putting in the effort. Online dating is just a beauty contest and your self esteem takes a hit every time you put out a feeler.

Should I just move? But that would just moving the problem.

Why did I lose the ones I loved! I am so stupid and worthless. Maybe I deserve this. I sit here and genuinely want to die. But that's not easy to do and I've researched it at length.