When I wrote this thread at first, I wasn't sure how to put what I feel in words. With the responses I got and the responses I wrote, it's become more crystallized in my mind. I'm definitely not socially normal at many levels. It's not just I don't like and avoid connecting with people, but I actively hate and despise it because all is fake. Just consider how many times you are being asked "How are you?" but the the person who asked the question didn't really care if you are OK or not? All is just a big lie. A big play. I cannot form relationships because I'm anxious and depressed, but also because I know I'm forming them for some selfish goals. For the same reason, I don't want people to be around me because they want to use me as a means for their selfish goals (obviously, I'm of no use now, and no one cares at the moment, but when I was at grad school, students where trying to get close to me to help them, but when they didn't need me, I didn't find them. A perfect example of this big lie). Obviously, this is how the world works. I just cannot accept that. I feel I'm forced to follow the rules. I wish I could live like a hermit in a desert. This is the only genuine way for me to live. All other ways are just twisted and somehow even evil. What puzzles me the most is that no one seems to care about this because it's mutual: I use you, and you use me, and at the end we are fine. This is how we are designed to be, but I don't want to be part of that, and I'm being punished because of this decision!!