Thank you so much for your responses Skeezyks, sophiesmom, bornunderabadsign, ABC

Sadly though, & what's making my panic & pressure increase even more, is that I can't take the test more than once. It's very very expensive, it costs 3000 Egyptian Pounds (164 US$), that I will have to be very tight on my food this month to be able to pay this fee!

I'm depending on free online sources to practice, though it's not even close to the real test setting, & full TOEFL practice tests have to be paid for too!

I thought IELTS was harder, you're giving me a new perspective on this ABC But for now I have to take TOEFL, 'cause the university program I want to apply for, accepts TOEFL only!

I realize though, that I have to lessen a bit my high ambitions (which I think are a symptom of my Bipolar, rather than my OCD)... I have to make a balance between motivating myself with higher ambitions, & never accepting an ordinary life, & between trying to stay on the ground & be realistic. Because I've been increasingly realizing with time, that though my imaginative high ambitions are driving me to seek something that would affect larger numbers of people, they're also negatively impacting me by increasing my panic & stress, & plunging my self-confidence into lower & lower degrees, each time I get rejected for something!

It's all about the balance...

I'm trying now to not stress myself, though it's so hard... I don't spend much time studying, I go out, do tasks, walk, but the panic is so debilitating... I hope I pass these 2 months with my mind & body intact, even if I don't pass the test!

I try to think, so what if I don't pass the test, so what if I don't get out of Egypt, maybe God wants me to go on a path here. Maybe I should let go, do whatever I can do, without the least care, & let God lead me to the path It finds as best for me to reach God...

But then again, my agnostic mind, feels so much panic, distress, & anger at the possibility that there's no God, no nothing, I'm just a miserable obsessive lonely ambitious woman, who hasn't got the chance to live, while many other people have got such chances, because I randomly came within miserable conditions!

I truly truly hope it's the former, not the latter, or else I would just kill myself, 'cause my conditions are unbearably miserable!