i would print my posts but i dont have a printer
don't want you to think i've ignored the idea... i've tried writing down some things and i used to take notes all the time but back then the doctor i was seeing wasn't interested in reading anything i brought in so it turned me off on the idea since i put so much effort into it only to be ignored...
i didnt like that doctor very much, he's the one that just slapped bipolar on me in the first visit and put me on 9 different drugs saying that i was manic over and over while the meds weren't helping at all... i just find it difficult to believe if a person is bipolar, especially manic, and put on so many mood stabilizers and blabla then it should help...

you may be right because i've read a lot trying to understand whats happening to me but things can be misleading so much sometimes...

but i haven't been obsessing or whatever i was doing back then for a good few months now atleast...

im having a really hard time with my concentration and focus levels so its pretty much impossible for me to sit down and read...

the memory problem is what bothers me the most because its scary and i dont understand why my memory is broken and it makes me think that i must be dieing because its so bad...

i guess i'll try to take some notes like i used to do and go in and talk to my case manager and therapist about it so maybe they can help me talk to the doctor about it... atleast this time my doc takes her time with me and talks to me, asks questions and seems to genuinely care about my wellbeing... plus she's a woman!
so glad i have all females working with me this time since males are really triggering...

how do you journal?
like... i filled a book up last year with random thoughts or whatever and i haven't read it since i stopped writing because the stuff i wrote just is triggering...
think i dont know how to journal properly... need to learn how to write stuff that will be helpful...

my therapist says i dissociate and thats whats wrong with my memory.. i think thats what she says atleast... but i cant understand because i thought dissociation was supposed to be like waves.. attacks... like a panic attack and it comes and goes away... so i would thought that i would only have problems remembering when that happens, but its happening all the time... constantly... and my memory is severely broken, i literally can not remember things for the life of me... its not fair you know

i just dont get it... she said that im living in a dissociative state or something... due to so much trauma i just got stuck in this side because i haven't been able to go backwards through the process to work out the traumas yet...