Through my relationship I've naturally tried to understand why he does what he does, why he does what he does to me, why he says the stupid %#@&#! he says, and I wonder daily if he actually believes what he says and does is justifiable. I have the type of husband that will straight up be cruel with actions and words and not even beg for forgiveness. Most abusers do come back and apologize and possibly beg for forgiveness....the repeated, "I'm sorry's" and "but, I love you's".

I think my husband has molded me. After all I was 16 when I left my parents home to be with him, he was 28.

In the beginning we loved one another. We used to lay in bed together all day. He worked hard made a lot of money and I took care of our home and myself preparing for our first then immediately after, our second child. The verbal abuse eventually was revealed, in the third trimester of my first pregnancy then it continued on through my second. First time he ever laid hands on me I was pregnant with his daughter. Maybe there's something about pregnant women that snap the abusers last nerve or something. Maybe we're to emotional or hormonal and annoying...idk.

Anyway, lately...the abuse had been verbal ever since the cop scare. He has not touched me recently (or yet). He's been saying %#@&#! like, I'm failing in school (although I have a 3.81 gpa), that I am always lying and never telling the truth, that I act ghetto, that I am stupid. Everything I seem to do is wrong...literally everything. Oh, and the new one, ever since the cop incident is I am crazy...a %#@&#! loon. I am a neglectful mother who doesn't care for her children. Stuff to that extent. What I basically am meaning to say about all this %#@&#! is how does he come up with these ideas in his head? Does he truly believe all these accusations, or does he accuse me of them out of anger? I feel I've always loved him, been loyal to him, abided to his every whim, and tooken very good care of his children...and yet, I am always wrong.