Hey katy, I read your posts.
I don't know how it feels - everything you felt throughout the years.
But I have been through depression, too, which made me feel darkness.
One way I went with coping is finding the good in the past.
Sometimes I have memories of the past, and while I have a tendency to find them depressing, I ask myself "why not see them as positive?".
I know you've been through many negative events and situations and I know the toll it can give. However there was the barbie doll, the bible, the swamp... there were things you enjoyed, even if you didn't feel or can't recall such feeling.

I'm giving you a hug and an ear (more accurately eyes since we communicate through text )