I've suffered from social phobia for 15+ years. There have been times when it's been more manageable, and others when it's been very debilitating.

Lately, my insecurities have risen to the surface big time. I'm constantly thinking, 'Will that person accept me, and that person, and that..?!' When I go out, I get completely flustered when I see other people, even if they're a good distance away..

When I walk past someone in the street, I start to tremble, don't know where to put my hands, and get teary-eyed just from feeling so insecure! Then I start to worry, 'Oh, am I walking funny, will they be able to notice..' Then often I actually do start to walk 'funny', get disoriented, start to lose my balance and take missteps..

The other day, some dogs started barking at me in the yard, and I again got teary-eyed thinking they didn't like me! It was silly as they were probably just scared of me as I was dressed in thick black winter clothes from head to toe and carrying a huge laundry bag on my shoulder, but still, I found my reaction an incredible manifestation of my insecurity.

Weird as it may sound, I don't actually mind all this that much as it means I can finally deal with the problem when it's not hidden behind my trying to appear 'normal' and perfect..

I've realised that though my insecurities manifest as questions - 'Will they accept me, will they, will they..?!' what's actually behind it is the BELIEF, an actual deep-seated belief that absolutely NO ONE would be able to accept me if they knew the 'real me', whatever that means..

I think this all goes back to toxic shame that formed when my dad didn't accept me at all when I was a kid, to him not even wanting me to be born

It's so hard to realise and 'see' all this, but I'm also grateful because it means I can finally walk through the pain to the other side..

I think I need to learn that I CANNOT be 100% certain that NO ONE will accept me.. I think the truth is, some people will, some won't, and I have to find the ones who DO.. I've already had experiences with people where I thought, 'That's it, after this thing I did there's NO WAY they'll ever accept me..' yet they have - so it IS possible..