Over the weekend, I've given a lot of thought to how this person upsets me and what I need to do about that. I've gotten good feedback here . . . maybe as much as can be said.

Several times over the past ten years, when I've been real turned off by her attitude, I've distanced myself. Sometimes, months have gone by, after which it seemed unlikely I'ld ever hear from her. Then she would call . . . all nice and friendly. It seemed to me like the bigger thing for me to do was to let bygones be bygones.

I even came up with this theory that, since I seem to have trouble protecting my boundaries, maybe it would be good to continue practicing with her. She gives me material to work with. However, it doesn't seem I'm making a lot of progress. I just keep getting hurt and disturbed.

In a way, maybe the continued contact has been edifying. I'm more sure now than I was that she is a toxic presence. In fact she sets out to be that. It seems like her whole mission in our phone conversation was to put me down.

I'm not going to be calling her, but she will eventually call me. I've been debating about how to respond when she does. I consider just not answering the phone. I consider being distant and cool. I consider telling her that our last conversation left me feeling sorry I had even called her. I'm going around in circles in my brain.

She's someone I'm likely to bump into at the supermarket from time to time. I don't want to create anything that will mean I have to feel tense or uncomfortable, if I find myself in line with her waiting to check out my groceries. So I think I've ruled out telling her off. I think there's a more nature way to go.

I think I'll just be polite when she calls, but keep it short and confide nothing about myself. If I don't ask her a bunch of follow-up questions regarding what she tells me about herself, the conversation will likely peter out real soon. Because that's what she depends on to keep the conversation going. She loves me expressing interest in her doings and is used to me saying, "So how's work going? . . . How are things at your apartment complex? . . . Hear anything from your relatives lately? . . . How've you been feeling healthwise? . . . How's your vehicle running? . . . Have you made any plans for your summer vacation? . . . Done any interesting shopping . . . bought any new clothes?" God . . . it's like I'm a talk show host and she's my guest. It's all about me making believe I'm dying to know the details of all that concerns her, about which I don't really give a rat's arse. And it's never really reciprocated. In fact, I help cover up that, were it not for me expressing rapt attentiveness and interest in her talking about herself, we'ld be hearing crickets.

Well . . . I think I'll let the crickets chirp away. I mean, if she says, "I got hit by a car when I was crossing the street yesterday.", then I'll say, "Wow . . . are you alright?" But when she says, "So yesterday, at work, I managed to finish part 3 of that 5 part report I always have to hand in this time of year.", then I'll refrain from saying, "Oh yeah, I remember you telling me about that last year. So you're more than half way through it. Well that's great. It always does get busy for you in January with preparing that report. Is it going smoothly? How's the feedback been from your supervisor? Has there been any extra headaches with the new people in your department? So tomorrow you'll be starting part 4 of your report. How long do you think it will take you to finish? Well I'm sure you'll do a good job on it. Seems I remember you were commended last year for your January report." Basically, she is tapping into me to get her "narcissistic supply." She may be self-absorbed, but I'm the co-dependent feeding her emotionally. I can simply stop doing that. Let the crickets chirp. She'll hang up soon enough. It's not like she's going to say, "So, Rose, tell me all about what's going on with you."

The problem is bigger than just her. I fall into this pattern too readily. It's my own behavior in conversations with others that I need to change. Then these non-nurturing relationships would shrivel up, and I'ld be none the poorer for it.