I'm apparently a real smart ***. I've been kicked out of a professor's office and smacked for the things I've said (although that was in 8th grade so maybe it doesn't count so much XD).

Oddly, I'm in one of the fields that often draws people on the spectrum (music). That's not the cliched one everyone knows about, but it's one of the big ones. I shouldn't be considered THAT abnormal. Neither should my partner (who is on the spectrum).

On that topic, before I got to know my partner, I didn't think I was capable of bonding with another human being. He seems more my "species" than other people, that's why I started looking into it in the first place. And also at work, being encouraged to work with someone on the spectrum (I work with special needs adults and teens while I'm in grad school) because we had a lot of common/would be a good fit (I don't remember the exact words used). Most of them are also paras in school so they may be able to see something and be implying something. I don't know. But my thoughts were immediately shot down and not given a consideration at first by my partner and his mom (who is an educator and one of the early researchers of autism). But after I told my partner the research on high functioning females and how it appears different because of socialization and that it could explain my gender issues, he's really not sure (but he's not qualified to be sure, so that's fair.

The mention of ADD was due mostly to me not being able to focus and pay attention, especially when I want to. There are huge blanks in my memories of concerts/TV shows/whatever. I just start thinking about something else and my mind drifts away. It happens in conversations too and I have to deliberately remind myself to focus or I have to ask them to repeat things because I zoned out. This didn't affect me in school because I just filled in the holes with my own study or logical conclusion. It only became a problem in college when I had to dictation in my music degree. Which is essentially the same as listening to long, complex, verbal instructions and having to dictate them down after only getting to hear them a few times. I can't do verbal instructions at all, unless it's one step at a time and I usually have to repeat it constantly to myself to not forget. Apparently the way I memorize information is different...most people memorize "accidentally" by just repeating something over and over. I usually have to be deliberately trying to memorize something and use a mix of repetition and memorizing patterns. Most musicians just seem to memorize just by playing a piece of music several times without meaning to. It also took a long time to type out the first post and I know I had to leave and come back at least once.

I'm only organized because I try really hard. I sometimes have to have checklists or I will forget obvious things. I still forget obvious things. I probably need to use checklists more XD My place looks messy even when I try to organize and clean it. I mean, it's fairly clean, but it's cluttered no matter how hard I try. I mean, I know it could be so much worse, but it's still annoying.

I don't know...I just often feel like way too much of my brain is lit up at any given time and it's hard to concentrate when you have vibrant "movies" and orchestras playing in your head. And I don't mean like a hallucination. Like your brain is just thinking and creating in hyperdrive often and it's very difficult to stay present and in the real world when your brain is that lit up. I've had times that I've not even been able to communicate. That usually happens after movies when I see them in the theaters and I think it has to with the overwhelming of the senses maybe.

But who knows what any of it indicates or means. I've never officially studied psychology. I did have a psychiatrist say I had ADD, but he came to that conclusion too soon for me and my parents to take it seriously at the time, but maybe he was on to something?