guiltier, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Let me say that a person can't always "choose" joy. The thing about 'joy' is that it's an emotion, where as depression isn't. It's a condition and a very sadistic one, at that. With everything you've been dealing with, you are so strong for continuing to fight. That's an achievement that could possibly lead to joy and I really hope you get it. You deserve that feeling.