To be able to say what is on my mind no matter how much it upsets him and be able to still be happy with myself and do what I want to do without feeling like crap because of him. I can't get past that though. He says some smarmy remark to me and I immediately shut down and feel like crap. I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone, go anywhere. All I want to do is sit there and be pissed off but then also I desperately want him to talk to me and not be angry with me for something he made me angry about in the first place. To be able to have an argument where I can tell him how I feel about all the **** he does and not feel like I need to turn around and apologize afterwards because now he's angry at me and I can't stand that. Apologizing to him for being angry at me for being angry at him because he didn't go to work for 2 weeks!

Like he said to me once when I was all stressed out and upset about him not going to work for weeks and he would never tell me the real reason he wasn't going in and I was getting so upset. He said "It really stresses me out when you're stressed out so I need you to be upbeat about things okay?" So basically he's telling me I can never be upset or unhappy because that upsets HIM so forget about ever having an actual discussion about things that upset me.