I was royally crapped upon for sitting on my application for a military disability pension. I've been reluctant to ask my psychiatrist to complete the medical questionnaire; the last portion to be submitted. This person just doesn't understand how anxiety, fear, and depression work.

First of all, just the act of completing my part of the application was excruciating. Too many memories dug up that I have for years tried hard to ignore and supress.

I explained to this friend that filing the application is an acknowledgement of feeling a failure. It reaffirms my lack of self worth and stirs up feelings that I wasn't strong enough and maybe even at fault for the events. Some one is going to look at this application and judge me for just that.

There were other things I told my friend that were making me reluctant to get the medical questionnaire to my pdoc. The worry that he might say 'no' is very real. Then there is the worry I might be disappointing him or putting him out. Is this whole process even worthwhile? Am I even worthwhile enough to deserve this?

Well, I got off my behind today. Having to explain to my friend why I am so muddled up about this gave me the vim and vigour to finally do it. I'm still ticked this person has such little understanding of my emotional plight but perhaps they did help me. Still, I am trembling.

I dropped the forms off at my pdoc's today. Finally. The ball is now rolling - and no longer under my control. But rolling nevertheless it is.