My insurance from work forced me to go to a pdoc when my GP determined that my problem wasnt physical. It took a ling time to come up with a DX for the pdoc since I started off the first year after my career collapsed as ONLY anxiety. After a year it turned into suicide attempts & depression... they had no idea why so labeled the cause as loss of career since I had never had any MI issues the previous 43 years of my life. I boggled the minds of the pdocs & residents at UCLA's psych hospital....why would an intelligent person be "overreacting" to the loss of her engineeting career but it was all they could figure out since no other DX fit.

Ok, so they got the DX right BUT no one saw the REAL REASON for it....not even me. I was sure there had been NO ABUSE from parents or H. I had no idea just how dysfunctional my parents had REALLY been nor how Dysfunctional my H was because I had never known anything different. My Dad had already died & my dysfunctional mom ended up dying 11 years ago & 2 years after that I was financially able to leave my H who I had done nothing but fight with the whole 33 years of the marriage.

Freedom brought me to a whole other view of life around very NORMAL caring people, moving to a place where I knew no one, it was an amazing experience....definitely one I had to sort through & figure out myself. Still plagued bu the abnormal behaviors of my H that made no sense to me or anyone else I talked to, my first T here suggested the possibiluty that H had Aspergers & that I had suffered many more traumas than JUST the one when protecting my mom from the abuse of the home care person.

So my point is....most of the time the first Dx & even the first treatment IS WRONG because with time more things happen to add to it & at the same time we remember more things that give us & our care givers better insight as to what was/is the foundational cause of our MI in the first place. I had no rememberance of a lot of what happened in my life until just a few years ago. Were those first 13 years of therapy a waste....probably but I would have never had the experiences that helped me get to the place where I was able to figure it out on my own. I give a lot of credit to my 2 years in DBT with my fantastic Psychologist who helped open my mind to thinking & understanding & giving me the words that have helped me be able to express my thoughts & feelings which up to that point I could only describe with "ugh....just UGH!!!"

Did it really matter that those 13 years were wasted? I wasnt myself at a place where I was ready to heal. I couldnt heal while STUCK in that bad marriage in the bad place where I was. I have come to understand that there are many pieces that need to come together & a lot of work we ourselves have to do & when it does happen, past wrong Dx's or treatments end up making no difference in that final outcome when all the pieces finally do come together.

While that being true, I also have come to realize just how important being surrounded by caring, supportive people is to the healing process & for me, my relstionship with God has been a critical aspect also. It has taken my whole life finally coming together so that now, the past is exactly that....the past even though there are still lose ends I still need to wrap up I am finally at a point where I am strong enough to do that.

There are times I wiuld like to contact my past T & say....hay....did you have any idea....or if you are still treating H you really need to know what I have learned about him...when or if the time is right, i know that communication will happen...but have enough in my own life right now Im working on, he is the least of my concerns....but I have this little nagging voice in my head that says it would be goodfor them to know what I have learned about what was really gping on all those wasted years....not for me so much as to help them understand how much deeper problems lie than is obvious on the surface to possibly help future patients who might be struggling in similar situations.