Hi. ((HUGS))
You are not crazy. If he acts like this now it is not likely to get better. I am not in an unbiased state but, I can say that it is ALWAYS HUGE REDFLAGS when..1. He says it's all in your head. Some of it maybe....but ALL of it?..very unlikely
He may not see himself as an abusive person and I'm sure he has good qualities as well..but a person who ALWAYS or almost always deflects all blame on to you??..this is the hall mark of an emotionally controlling abuser. 2. Treats others better than you and or treats you like gold only in front of others/acts like the perfect dad ONLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS...you see my key point here?..yes, people are more real and feel more comfortable showing more of themselves in private, and most people have a public mask they wear, but it shouldn't feel like a complete lie. If it were in the realm of normal it would feel like he was protecting all of you from scrutiny...not just trying to make himself look good. Putting public self image over truly caring about loved ones and reflecting blame/never at fault...these are very narcissistic behaviors. Having narcissistic qualities or even having NPD doesn't make someone a bad abusive person, but the inability to own these qualities and lack of listening and aknowleding you feelings or even trying at all to understand how his behavior and words effect you and your relationship. This is a problem. If he can not acknowledge any imperfection or need to work on himself and or contribute more to the relationship 5yrs in...then unfortunately it probably will not get much better. Hopefully it doesn't get worse.
Bottom line. Everyone has issues. For a relationship to work both must be able to give and take owning their own issues and accepting the others as well. If both sides can not do this to a point where whatever is not owned or accepted is just minor and not building hurt and resentment..the relationship is dysfunctional. If you are very unhappy now and he refuses to own any part of that or doesn't seem responsive at all or seem to care that you are not happy..then I would say either in the relationship or not apparently you are on your own...if he's not going to be part of the solution then it's up to you to decide based in how he is now and how his behavior has progress over the course of this relationship..what is your feeling about the long term prognosis? Would you rather be alone in a relationship unhappy waiting for the other party to hopefully step up? Or would you rather just be alone alone?..it's really up to you. These things are to complex for anyone outside to accurately judge. But Please Know YOU ARE NOT CRAZY...and please if you've already been there and you see it happening again and this is not a new relationship were talking 5yrs in. You know the differences between him and your ex! Do NOT ignore what you feel
Be Safe! Be Well! and Keep Writing!
-LITW