Thanks for the kind answers!

Unfortunately my family lives 600 km away and I just started a new job and moreover have to find a new flat, so I can't relax or rest. I am constantly confronted with new situations and insecurity.

My p and t won't give me meds, just as-needed-medication. I am basically begging them to prescribe me something long term but they say that they still are not 100 % sure I have bipolar and they don't want to treat me like a lab rat. I would love to just try and see if I get better because the limbo in my head is driving me insane.

I feel extremely anxious because of my unhealthy life style and the flat change (still haven't found a new room but I have two months to go). I always try to behave all right, quit smoking and parties and all but then hypo sets in and makes me do whatever or depression and lonelyness stress me out way too much and I am just seeking some relief. Anyway I know I should be more consequent and I used to be but seem to have lost the ability to do whatever I set my mind to.