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Originally Posted by Eleny
I feel as though in the past year or so I've formed a few addictions. I've never smoked in my life and then in the past 12 months or so took it up which has left me feeling disappointed in myself. I drink most nights and feel as though I need it if I go out to feel relaxed and confident. It also makes me feel less lonely when I'm on my own.
I have also started doing Cocaine when I go out (which I really hope is ok to say here) which is starting to take over my mind a bit (when can I get some, who will have some). In truth though I know it only exacerbates my anxiety and makes me feel ashamed of myself.
My dad was/is an alcoholic so I know I have that in my genes.
I feel like I'm on a slippery slope but I don't know what to do because I'm not sure I want to even stop any of the above. But there is a part of me that is screaming stop, be healthy, meditate, work on yourself and stop trying to escape with substances.
Can anyone relate? It would be nice to hear I'm not alone.
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I can relate to what your saying in many ways. I've tried discussing this with my therapist when I was in therapy and she didn't quite understand. I was in the same scenario and I felt it was difficult to stop. 1/2 of me wanted to because I knew it was best for me and the other 1/2 didn't. I guess it was my way of coping with past and present issues. I felt it was my go to. When I was upset i would engage in my addiction and when I celebrated I engaged in my addiction as well. It was part of my social life as well. As time went on my addiction did increase. I didn't stop until I had a few events where I "bottomed out" and saw felt horrible. I placed myself in predicaments where I was crying for days. I had no support and truly I realized that ultimately I was alone with my addiction. There were many changes that I physically saw in myself as well as my life that I didn't realize happened until after the fact. It's not an easy road to travel. After hitting bottom I had to fight against myself and my thoughts. I weaned myself off. I still craved my addiction but the craving grew smaller and smaller. I still battle things in my head today and perhaps my addictions are different now but they still exist in some shape or form. According to my therapist it's due to unresolved issues in my past. Currently I'm battling things in my head and that's why I decided to read about other people's addiction and coping skills. It's not easy. It takes so much will power. The thing is that when you have an addiction as such it's so easy to lose yourself and your priorities get skewed. That's something that I didn't notice until I hit bottom.
I found it helpful to stop and think about what I was doing and how it's affecting me. Cocaine is an expensive drug. You will see your money disappear in no time as you build resistance and you feel the need to increase the amount you intake. Sometimes it's all about it being a learning experience and going through the process but I would definitely seek help now before the urge gets worse. Also careful with who you socialize. It's very difficult to make those changes when the people you socialize with engage in the same addictions. As a group you then support your own habit and that makes it very difficult to abstain