thanks....

the one thing i know i have is PTSD... i didn't even know i had it in the beginning until they diagnosed me with it... i mean, i thought everyone went through the stuff i went through so what reason would i think i had ptsd ya know..?

i just wish i could understand why my memory is so bad... i know drugs and alcohol can effect them... but something is just telling me in my gut that its not that you know... its something more serious, deeper, and hidden...

its so easy to look at the surface and say "you'll be fine, cut out the drinking and things will be fine"
like when i went to the hospital and i actually CRIED in front of 4 interviewers because i was under so much distress... they told me to my face that i JUST need to move out from my dads... get a job... drivers license... my own house... blahblah...
how can i do ANY of that when i cant? and NOONE will listen

i want to move out so bad... i want to work so bad... i want my own life, SOOO bad... i dont need people looking at the surface... i know how confusing it is because i live with it every single day.... i need someone to help me look inside... because im scared of the inside of me... im scared to be alone, but i dont want to be around anyone at all...

so i've been working on a relationship with my therapist... and next time i see her im just gonna tell her "im ready" .... whatever that entails... please just help me!
if she wants me to talk about the disgusting things that happened to me, i'll try... if she wants me to stand on my head, i'll try... but for gods sake dont listen to the surface... dont listen to the lies that are on my face... dont listen to what you see on the surface because the surface has been hardened over so many years to appear normal and look just absolutely hunky dory.... i have touched on a few traumatic flashbacks with her and she says i just get a blank look... i dont feel emotion... i dont feel pain, connection with the events... i feel detached and distanced... its not mine, i dont want this life, i just wanna be happy... why is that so hard?

geez... i feel like no one can hear me... and i have always felt like that since a very little person.... like no one is listening... and when ever i trie to talk, or speak up, no one wants to hear it.... so i learned to hide... shut it down, drugs and alcohol can silence the screams temporarily....

you know...? im tired of hiding... i want out, i want it fixed... want be happy...