I posted this on the new member thread/introduction thread and am realizing I probably should have posted it here. So....

I need help...I think. Its a long convoluted story, but I will try to keep it short. I know I won't even begin to address all of the issues and problems but I will certainly try.

My spouse tells me regularly I'm messed up in the head and I need to fix myself. I know I have issues, doesn't everybody, but he insists that at least within our realationship I am the only one with issues and I need help.

I grew up with a complete control freak and very cruel mother. This lead to years of lying and hiding just so I wouldnt get into trouble. I completely avoid conflict at all costs and will lie and hide whatever I can to not get into trouble. My dad was great but wasnt in the picture, so I of course looked to other men and sex to help my self esteem, which to this day absolutely is in the tank.

I met my husband 14 years ago and did not share with him about my sordid past until a year into our relationship. He has spent the better part of our relationship holding my past against me, including calling me some prettty disgusting names because of it. It also made him not trust me in anyway (obviously) and get crazy upset if I ever had to work with other men and do anything extra for my job. To this day he makes it impossible for me to do my job, so I have lied and hid things I am doing for work, so I dont get fired and so I dont get into trouble with him...conflict avoidance yet again.

He can say some very mean and cruel things, but he insists he wouldnt say them if I didn't pick my job first, lie or hide things from him etc. All of this led to me having an emotional affair with some physical contact (shoulder massages). My husband insists it was a sexual affair and refuses to believe otherwise. I even passed a lie detector test proving I didn't but he still refuses to believe, still accuses me of it all the time.

I don't even know where to go from here. We fight constantly, and not just little fights. He tells me how terrible I am and lists out all of the awful things I have done to him, on a regular basis. He gets mad at me for going to a meeting if there are men there and if I sit across from a man at the meeting all hell breaks loose. I am in no way even allowed to speak to other men.

Besides the constant name calling and being berated, he punishes me by going out to bars and hanging out with other people, including women, all the time. He too had an emotional affair but says it was ok because I pushed him to it and its my fault it happened and I just have to get over it.

I do love him, I do want to be with him, when things are going good our relationship is great, I just cannot figure out if the problem is all me and what exactly my problem is. I know I avoid conflict, I know I go to extremes and as soon as we start fighting I assume we are getting divorced (he's threatened me with that a few thousand times), I know I have a problem with lying and hiding things with my job to him (really I have gotten over this for the most part, despite the fact he freaks out any time I have to go to anything), I just cant figure out what my mental problem is and even where to begin to fix it.

This doesn't even begin to address all of the craziness, all of the things said, all of the things done, but its a start. Do I have a mental problem/personality problem? I feel like he does but is that just me being in denial and part of my problem?

Any suggestions or help would be appreciated!