Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
That sounds very powerful, Rainbow.
One thing leaped out at me in your description here. You describe your mother as being there 'too much' but despite her strong presence (over bearing? overly intrusive?) you did not feel connected to her. There was no real sense of connection to her.
I am just thinking about this in relation to how your relationships play out, particularly with your Ts.... you desire a connection, naturally, but do not know how to create it (because that was never modelled to you by your mother). So you strive for it in the way your mother tried to connect with you - by the 'too much' part. You want to be IN her life. You want to push past the boundaries and have 'more'. Because having 'more' is the only way your mother tried to connect with you. It didn't work for her (invasiveness does not equal connection) and it doesn't work for you (pushing past the boundaries of therapy and wanting to be included more in Ts life doesn't create connection either).
I may be way off base here, and I invite your disagreement or dismissal of it. That connection  just leaped out at me and I wanted to share it. |
I'm not sure if I agree or disagree but thank you. My mother wasn't intrusive. She was a worrier and over protective. It could be that I modeled the "too much" after her. Until therapy, I connected to most people superficially, or through the mail. I did have girl friends, though, so I connected on some level, but not closely. My T is probably the only person I've connected to so closely. More than my H.
The wanting to be in T's life is super strong. Craving it. Wanting her to tell me everything. To be there accepting me without trying to smother me like my mother did. My mother loved me very much. T said not to analyze so much, that maybe I'd have a dream. So I'd better stop.