That really stuck out to me.

There were SO many times during my years of therapy that I felt exactly how you are right now,thinking my T wanted to get rid of me,etc.There were even times when I told him there were certain things he said or did that I liked or I thought helped me and then he would stop saying or doing them and I couldn't understand why.Sometimes I would demand an explanation but he would be very vague about it,which would upset me even more.

I realize in hindsight he wasn't being cruel or anything,I see he was doing what he thought was best,testing me,challenging me, in order to find my vulnerabilities,my weaknesses,what makes me tick.In the end,I always ended up learning more about myself and it was always helpful in the long run.

His withholding from me,at times,were so painful,but I know now were necessary for me.And I know if he had been exactly who and how I wanted him to be ,if he had done everything the way I wanted him to,I wouldn't have benefitted as much as I have.

Once,I sent a really long email,I really poured my heart out talking about some very important things I had never talked about in sessions.His response was very cold,short and invalidating.My reaction was very extreme and I didn't go to a couple of sessions,did no call no shows,almost ended up going to the hospital,etc.At the time I was so hurt,I thought he was so cruel and uncaring,but once I did go back and we talked about it(and he was vague again)I was able to understand why I reacted the way I did,why I was so triggered,and it was very beneficial.

I do see that he was triggering,many times purposely,to see my reactions.Some of them felt so heartless and cruel to me,but in reality,that was just my perception and he wasn't intentionally being heartless and cruel.He knew exactly what he was doing,I just didn't realize it at the time.

It might be that the way you are thinking and feeling right now are due to your own past,your own experiences,your own perceptions rather than any ill intentions on his behalf.

I also want to mention that all the times I wanted to quit therapy because it was too hard,left me feeling worse as each week went by and talked to him about it he said if I wasn't feeling like crap then therapy wasn't helping,that it gets worse before it gets better,that's the nature of trauma therapy.

Hang in there,you will get through this.