Hi Rainbow, I think Luce is on to something. Also, you wrote a couple posts above that your mother was not intrusive, then said you don't want to be smothering like she was. So there does seem to be something there about how connection got defined in a way that creates anxiety and, ironically, distance instead of connection.

Just curious if you have equine therapy available in your area, because when I did it one of the things I learned from the horses was how they create connection and space at the same time. For example, after the connection is made (which can take weeks), they will follow when you back away--almost like a magnetic draw--but if you make a move toward them, into their space, they will back up. I'm over simplifying it, but that's kind of the gist how part of the therapy works. It's a dance of space and connection, and they are highly intuitive and will respond to your real feelings, not outward expression. They keep people honest. It's nice because it gets you out of your head and into the experience. But it's expensive and not available everywhere.