Quote:
Originally Posted by Elio
This seems to me to be one camp... where the t believes that they need to push or tough love the client through growth. And then there is another camp that believes that the client will need less from them as growth progresses and will naturally pull away - grow up and leave home. [not to say that there is only these camps, and yes this seems overly simplified]
I hope my t is in the later camp not the former. I want to be allowed to grow up at my rate knowing that my t is there each step of the way, being supportive and caring.
Then again, it might all be based on what the t thinks the client needs, which might be where some of the inconsistencies come from with some t's.
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Yeah, my T definitely seemed to be more in the tough love camp. I go back to the time when I was really upset about something (partly because H also wouldn't validate me about it), and she was like, "I know you want me to validate you right now, but I'm not going to." That led to me sitting in the car sobbing and a sort of mini-rupture. But I think, based on some of my responses to her, she's come to realize that approach doesn't necessarily work so well with me. She's seemed to shift her approach to be more gentle and caring, though aspects of the tough love creep in, too.
Marriage counselor is from the other camp. He knows I'm very attached to him and have some strong paternal transference. But he hasn't tried to push me away, and understands that sometimes I need reassurance from him. I'm still attached (the intensity waxes and wanes)--and last month had a phone call with him where I was like, "How can I stop being so attached? What do I do?"--but I definitely feel much more secure in our relationship than I did, say, even 6 months ago. So I think that's progress. He just seems to think that time and building/strengthening more outside relationships will help to lessen the attachment. I definitely respond better to this style, though I think it can make attachment more intense. So if a T uses this style, they need to be able to handle clients becoming attached without then pushing them away.
I think the big problems come, like in your case, Skies, when a T seems to be more from the latter camp, then suddenly shifts to a tough love approach without warning. That's naturally going to be jarring and painful, especially if it repeats a pattern that happened at some point in a client's life.