So I went to my session today. I told t that I had gone to see anew t. She started crying. I really didn't expect that. She said she was very sad that I couldn't talk to her first. She asked why. I told her because of her need to mock me and make fun of me, to tell me I am whining and because she hasn't been very supportive of me lately. She is always busy. T argued with me in that. I said I hadn't seen her in over a month now yet she has been back to work for the last two weeks but could only see me now. She said she felt sad that I couldn't reach out and ask for more support from her. I said how can I do that when it doesn't even feel safe to talk in session. Tears welled up again. She said only did all of that because she cared, she cared too much and pushed me too hard. I really felt guilty because I could that deep down she cared. I couldn't look her on the eye and she asked me to look at her. She said what can I do to fix this Mona? I said it was too late. She said she was very sorry about how it had turned out. She admitted her frustration at being stuck and tried to push me too hard. She asked if there was anyway this could work, I said no unless she morphed into my new t. She asked what was so special about new t. I said she really gets me, she tries to hear me and doesn't judge or push. T said we need to be pushed and I said yes, a gentle nudge not a push over the cliff.
T looked heartbroken she asked me to look her in the eye and I couldn't because she was crying. I felt so guilty walking out the door. I just wish she could have shown me some of that passion sooner and maybe we could have worked something out.