This has to be on of the nicest post anyone has ever written to me here. You really shifted my outlook, just with these words. You are drawn to mentors, but maybe you have than mentor thing going yourself.
Speaking of mentors, when I was in my late teens, a business teacher talked to me a few times, sort of took me under her arm and told me I would do bigger and better things than those I was in the class for. Strange, I did do those things. Strange, I mean, because it didn't cross my mind that I could do them. She also taught me about assertiveness. It was an exciting new concept for me, perhaps the first 'social' thing an authorative adult ever taught me. Ever since then, I became naturally assertive in business, and ended up with several promotions before i was 22. It gave me social power, so it served as a catalyst for more things later, much more.
Your post was like that--thank you. It really helped that you genuinely talked about 'good' parts of me (strengths), that my therapist leaves out and showed me I could believe in them.
After reading what you wrote, I re-read some of my posts at the beginning, and they suddenly sounded ridiculous. I was making myself responsible for all that had gone wrong, yet, he is the expert. At least some could be his fault, if not more. Now that is how I was feeling at the time, no doubt, but I feel almost like a different person now. So a little can go a long way. Now if my therapist would do that from time to time, imagine what we'd accomplish.
So I have some new ways of thinking:
- no therapy may be better than harmful therapy
- rigidness practiced by some psychoanalysts can prevent all the good that can materialize from "including focusing on strengths, improvements and positives in the present, instead of looking for faults and negatives in my history all the time".
- Think about what would be useful in this therapy; align with my goals and discuss any new ideas with him
- Consider using the best of various modalities; I may have gotten everything I could squeeze out of psychoanalysis
- Cost/benefits analysis of staying in this therapy
- Maybe things are the other way around-maybe he is keeping me from improving
- Like with psychoanalysis, i used up all the benefits he has in his toolbox; he doesn't have enough because he is perhaps rigid
- Maybe he feels insecure or intimidated at times because i talk about concepts that he might not be familiar with or he might see me finding faults and mistakes (just found several and let him know) Maybe he lacks confidence
- That maybe his negativity is keeping me back, rather than my negativity keeping me back
Thank you for your kindness and helpfulness Xynesthesia.
I think this will help carry my through to the other side.
(I had taken my Ambien already, so I hope I'm not writing as loopy as I feel.
)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xynesthesia
I've just read through this thread and recalled some other things you said on other threads, Skies. You mentioned that this therapist was very helpful for you in a few ways in the past - that is good. But more recently it seems like he's been triggering a lot of pain with the strategies he is using (whether with your best interest in mind or defensively). What I would consider in such a situation is whether it's useful for me to continue with him, keeping my current needs and goals in mind. It is perhaps not necessary to question his competency in general, maybe more that he was helpful in a certain period and for some things, but it does not mean he'll be helpful forever and with everything. Also, relationships are dynamic, change and evolve over time. Sometimes they expire in spite of being great in the past. I would probably evaluate what more potential benefits you could have from this therapy, and if you have ideas, discuss it with the T. If he is no longer willing or able to support you and provide help, for whatever reason, and it's not just a momentary state but persists, maybe consider stopping. This may vary among clients but I personally think that no therapy is a better option than constantly stressful, harmful therapy. I think that a therapy that hurts more than it relieves over a long period is most likely not done well or is not a good match.
I mentioned in other discussions before that I used to have a psychoanalyst who was quite rigid in his views and methods. It was interesting and helpful for a while but then stopped being beneficial and actually made me worse and worse in a particularly stressful and difficult period. He also handled between-sessions communication in a very erratic way. Like you, I wondered if it was about me and he was just trying to find the best approach working with me at that time. I kept looking for fault within but in the end I felt convinced that most of it was not about me but his own insecurities and... well, not having the background and skills to work outside of his beliefs. I'm not suggesting that you do the same but for me stopping at that point and not pushing it further turned out a really good solution. I then found another T who is very consistent and more compatible with me in many ways, including focusing on strengths, improvements and positives in the present, instead of looking for faults and negatives in my history all the time.
Again, just my opinion, but I think that model of psychoanalysis that it has to go on for many years is really outdated. I think it is often more effective to use approaches and therapists that are suitable for whatever state and concerns we have at a given period of life. It's not like they are blood relatives that we are stuck with for life and need to adopt to because there is no choice.
You seem to think that this T cannot help you and you are not improving... are you sure this is the case, and not the other way around? That the T was helpful for a while but actually you may have surpassed him and his toolkit? Maybe why he behaves in such a defensive manner, not explaining things to you etc. I would always be very cautious drawing conclusions about someone I only "see" in very limited ways online but if there is any impression I could get from your posts here, it's that you don't come across as a negative person at all. You also do not appear cynical fro your posts. But you do display a keen sense of complexity, depth and a very analytical mind. I can easily imagine that the way you tap into and question things in a gentle but sharp way might make a therapist feel internally intimidated, someone who is only superficially confident in his abilities and skill set. Might be why he says he would not work outside of the frame and why he withdraws parts of the therapy that he is not able to handle at this time. And what you said on another thread, that the T mostly keeps pointing out negativity in you just does not seem to compute for me, it does not seem to match the person who is making these posts |